Coming to Kansas City’s defense after San Fran columnist roasts Home Of The Chiefs
OK, Mister Big-Time San Francisco sports columnist, you’ve really done it now. You’ve stoked our Midwest Nice into a raging BBQ fire with a column poking fun at Kansas City.
Hang on to your self-driving Prius, bucko. You should’ve just kept sipping that Napa vino.
But no, you couldn’t just stay in your lane and keep working on developing The Next Facebook. Instead you’ve invoked the 2014 World Series, so, well, yeah, now we’re going there. Time to take up KC’s honor and remind you of San Francisco’s actual place in this world.
Let’s start with Mark Twain, who was born in Missouri — our state, not yours — and maybe had a cup of coffee in the Bay Area (only upon asking your boss did we learn he once worked for a second at The San Francisco Chronicle).
So, Twain’s ours, not yours. As is Ernest Hemingway. Papa developed his writing chops as a young reporter for none other than The Kansas City Star, in case you didn’t know. He had more than a cup of coffee here, too. Probably a fine bourbon distilled in nearby Weston, Missouri.
And yeah, we lost the Kings, as well as the NHL’s Scouts, which you failed to mention in your attempted downtown defecation on KC (that happens a lot there, right?), but don’t get us started about teams relocating — didn’t you lose the California Seals?
Didn’t you curse the once-unbeatable Golden State Warriors by moving them out of Oakland and into San Francisco?
Talk all you want about the San Francisco Giants. How about the last time the Oakland A’s were in the playoffs? There was a certain AL Wild Card game that happened at KC’s Kauffman Stadium that Royals fans will never forget. Your A’s fans probably want to, though.
And the Raiders? No wonder you’re fired up about the 49ers. They’re all the NFL you’re going to have left. Just win ... in Vegas, baby! Not to mention Kansas City took your best quarterback ever and made him a Chief.
You self-reported the fact that the 49ers don’t have a stadium in town, so we’ll leave Santa Clara out of this.
Here’s what you do have:
You’ve got a skyscraper, Millennium Tower, that’s literally sinking into the earth. Even inanimate objects want out of San Fran ... and we use San Fran purposely, just because we know how much you San Franners love it when outsiders call your city San Fran.
Or better yet, Frisco!
You’ve had the good sense to elect The Terminator as your state’s governor. Your most famous landmark is a defunct prison.
We’ve got Patrick Mahomes, the reigning NFL MVP. You’ve got Tom Brady’s backup.
Good luck ever getting Barry Bonds into the Hall of Fame, by the way. Our best baseball player, George Brett, made it on the first ballot with 98.2 percent of the vote, just so you know how it’s done.
And in case you didn’t notice because you’re too busy smoking the legal lettuce, Mad Bum doesn’t play for the Giants anymore. But we’ll give you a pass there because you probably were wolfing down that signature SF gourmet treat, Rice-A-Roni.
Huh, huh, huh ... munchies, dude.
It’s funny you’d volunteer your high cost of living before we could properly roast you about that, too. In fact, we highly doubt you even wrote your column from San Francisco. Do sports columnists make enough to live there? Come clean, Scott, and admit you punched it in from Stockton.
Can’t say we really blame you for being cranky ahead of Super Bowl LIV. Your weather is a dependable downer any time of year. We’ll take a city with actual seasons over a fog-shrouded town with twisty, one-way streets where it’s 55 degrees year-round. When you have to wear a wetsuit to surf in the summertime, Scott, the weather ain’t great.
And, yikes, those earthquakes. Nothing funny about those.
Speaking of which, dissing soccer is a pretty tired trope in regions of the country that don’t simply boast of being progressive, but actually are. We’ll continue wearing the mantel of U.S. Soccer Capital while you continue irritating your San Jose Earthquakes fans.
Just go on being the global capital of gentrification, empty professional sports venues and SoCal wannabes. Admit it, man, all you NorCal people really wish you lived in L.A.
We’ll have another bite of burnt ends for you, and maybe some of that Napa vino to wash it down. Heck, it’s as much ours as it is “yours.”
On second thought, make that a Tank 7 by Boulevard — beer’s yet another place where KC’s got San Fran licked.
Just like it’ll play out on Super Bowl Sunday in Miami.
Chiefs 31, 49ers 23.
Cheers,
Kansas City
This story was originally published January 23, 2020 at 3:57 PM.