Words matter: The put-down that little 9-year-old girl in pigtails never forgot
During a recent meeting of the editorial board, Mara’ Rose Williams told the rest of us about a moment in her childhood that hurt her confidence for years to come. We were all struck by how powerful even a few stray words from a near stranger can be, either to bolster or to belittle, and how important it is to remember that. Over the next few days, we’re going to be telling several stories about those times when either a little encouragement or discouragement had an impact beyond anything the speaker could have imagined.
It’s been a while, but I remember my very young self as an energetic, precocious people pleaser. When my fifth grade teacher said “I like you, Mara’,” I threw both arms up and said, “Of course you do! What’s not to like?”
OK, I was maybe a little full of myself, but confident. I also remember the day that valuable personality trait took on some damage. I was 9 or 10 years old, and excited that that night, we were getting a visit from the Encyclopedia Britannica door-to-door salesman.
My mom, a teacher, never missed a chance to buy new editions, several alphabetical-order volumes at a time. And I always looked forward to this salesman turning up because he was selling knowledge. I was eager to show him how much I’d learned flipping through the books’ glossy and colorful pages.
So I ran, pigtails flopping, to get to the front door first. And as soon as I opened it, I blurted out that I had gotten a great report card with A’s, adding “I’m so smart.” He responded, and I’ll never forget it, with this: “Self praise stinks, young lady.”
Today, I believe that sometimes it does. But back then, as a kid, I was deflated. He probably didn’t see it, but my confidence blew right past him and out the door. I’ve thought about that evening a lot over the years and that comment cut deep.
Who knows why some things stick and others don’t. I do know words — who speaks them and to whom — matter. They can lift and they can hurt.
I’m sure there were lots more affirmations spoken to me by others that propelled me along the way to achieve in spite of his harsh words. I remember some of those, too. Thank goodness for Ms. Satchel, my seventh grade English teacher, who told me I could write and that I should do more of it. Ha, look at me now.
Because I know how Britannica Man’s words hurt, I made sure to encourage my two sons to strive for their best and applauded accomplishments worthy of praise. I wanted them to grow with a command of the confidence that had eluded me for years. They have. I’m confident about that.
I’m sure too, that people like Ms. Satchel, and a hero of mine, David Muhammad, a teacher and martial arts instructor in South Kansas City, understand that young minds flourish with can-do support. Yes, there is debate about overpraising children being damaging since it can strip them of grit needed to tackle, overcome and soar.
But shout out to Muhammad who in 2020 launched the Sankofa Leadership Initiative, a college scholarship program empowering outstanding and financially needy teens like Taj Selectman, a 17-year-old senior at William Chrisman High School and one of Muhammad’s martial arts students.
“Karate is not just about being physically trained but also being mentally trained. We have to train our minds to do difficult things,” Selectman says Muhammad told him. And he recalls that whenever he’s challenged. ‘’I always say, I can do one more, write one more essay, take a harder class. He made me believe that I can do more than I ever thought I could do,” Selectman said.
The teen is heading to the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs in the fall. “There were times I never thought I’d be at this point,” he said. But wherever his future takes him, Selectman says he’ll remember Muhammad’s words of encouragement and try harder.
Britannica Man was no Muhammad, that’s for sure. And he probably had no idea his response would wound. Maybe it was even well-meaning. Some might argue that what he said actually helped me develop a resilience to nasty comments from mean people. That’s a good attribute in my profession.
And yet what we say to others should come with thought. Britannica Man just blurted out those words, I’m sure. And yes, who among us hasn’t battled with confidence? No one. In the end though, I think I have done OK. My work speaks for itself.
Wait, is that self praise? Maybe a little. And after all, not so stinky.
This story was originally published January 14, 2022 at 5:00 AM.
