Honestly, Quinton Lucas and Patrick Mahomes could take this speaking advice | Opinion

What do Kansas City Mayor Quinton Lucas, Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes, you and I all have in common? We are each guilty of the same harmful linguistic habit involving the use (or misuse) of “the honesty word.”

When discussing the site location for the Royals’ new stadium, Lucas recently responded to one of the questions from KCMO Talk Radio with, “If I’m being really honest, yes.” Mahomes, on the official Chiefs website characterized a missed pass against the Falcons by affirming, “I under-threw it to be honest.” I’ve personally and professionally made the same mistake too many times to count. Chances are you have, too.

We’ve all been there either as a perpetrator or a recipient or both. Someone wants to emphasize a point, create goodwill, sound persuasive, close a sale and then it happens. The conversation is infected with some version of these frequently used phrases: “To be honest with you,” “In all honesty,” “Honestly,” or, “If I’m really being honest with you.”

I call these phrases “honesty validators.” We believe that by incorporating them into our language, we thereby reinforce the truth of our words. Unfortunately, all the above belies the presence of honesty. “Why?” you ask.

A 20th-century British philosopher of language, Paul Grice, founded Gricean pragmatics. One of his key tenets is that language is supposed to be a cooperative activity, and it should also be economical: Don’t use words you don’t need. Anytime you add a word or phrase that technically is not required, you could be signaling the opposite of your intention. In this case, if honesty is your default position, then why would you want to signal that it is not?

Deception research practitioners routinely flag these honesty validators, and for good reason. When we use honesty validators, an unintended yet potent message is sent. By virtue of drawing special attention to the honesty of this particular communication, it subliminally sends the message that, “Yes, I’m being honest with you at this moment, but all my other past and future statements to you might be dishonest.” A very wise man once said let your yes be yes, and your no be no. Adding certain qualifiers destroys the integrity of the statement.

Naturally, most people hear this and immediately declare, “No, I’m always honest!” Unfortunately, the unintended message contradicts that affirmation, and it is the unintended message received by your audience that has consequences you might not appreciate.

Do we have a better word than honesty?

From repetition, habit or example, we have all succumbed to these honesty validators. Therefore, we must ask ourselves: Do we have a better word than honesty that would convey the authentic meaning we want to convey? What is a word that faithfully conveys the noble nature of our communication? What is a word that does not intrinsically taint the veracity of our tongue the moment we utter it?

As a lifelong public speaker and writer, I have given considerable thought to this perplexing problem. I have arrived at a simple solution that works for me. Perhaps it will work for you too.

In these communication contexts, I maintain that the superior, simple and elegant solution is to replace honesty validators with what I call “clarity validators.” Ultimately, honesty validators, while assumed to be indicators of truth, are actually indicators of falsehood. Clarity validators are indicators of truth.

Ponder whether you are more comfortable with these clarity validators that were formerly stated as honesty validators:

• To be clear with you,
• In all clarity,
• Clearly,
• If I’m really being clear with you,

People will forgive you for fumbling clarity because anyone can make a mistake. People find it quite difficult to forgive you for fumbling honesty because honesty is a thoughtful willful choice. Therefore, unless you want to imply that your words cannot be trusted, then let’s eliminate honesty validators from our communications and instead choose clarity validators. If you are an honest person, then stop speaking in a manner that sends the message, “My default position is dishonesty.”

Clearly, if I can do it, you can too.

James T. Meadows is a corporate trainer, freelance writer, consultant and ordained Assemblies of God minister.