Why Shared Novelty Is the Most Research-Backed Habit for Deepening Your Relationship, Experts Say
The secret to a contented partnership isn’t a bouquet of flowers or a hard-to-get dinner reservation, though those never hurt. Decades of psychological research point to something simpler and stranger: doing something new with the person you love. Couples who keep learning, growing and trying unfamiliar activities together tend to report deeper bonds, more passion and a clearer sense of who they are.
That finding, drawn from studies spanning more than 30 years, has quietly become one of the most evidence-backed pieces of relationship advice available, and it has nothing to do with grand gestures.
The self-expansion theory behind doing something new
The idea originates with psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aron, a husband-and-wife research team who proposed that close relationships succeed in part because they broaden each partner’s sense of self. In their 1995 paper “Falling in love: Prospective studies of self-concept change,” the Arons followed hundreds of first- and second-year undergraduates a group with a high expected incidence of falling in love and asked the same open-ended question every few weeks for 10 weeks “Who are you today?”
The pattern was striking. Students who fell in love during the study saw their list of personal characteristics grow by roughly 20% over the semester. Students who didn’t fall in love showed the opposite trend a shrinking list of attributes, suggesting a loss of self-esteem. Love, in other words, appeared to expand people. And the activities couples chose together were a big part of how that expansion happened.
What the research says about novel activities and relationship satisfaction
A series of follow-up studies have tested whether shared novelty actually moves the needle on relationship quality. A 2000 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology looked at couples together anywhere from two months to 15 years, using surveys, questionnaires and lab experiments. Couples who took part in “novel” and “arousing” activities reported improved relationship quality and increased passion. One surprising detail the boost showed up after a task that lasted just seven minutes.
Earlier work in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 1993 found a similar effect after more than 50 married couples spent 10 weeks doing weekly activities described as either “exciting” or “pleasant.” The exciting category consistently outperformed the merely pleasant one.
A 2013 randomized controlled trial published in Couple and Family Psychology went further. Researchers at the University of New England in Australia asked 50 couples to try new activities together for at least 90 minutes a week over four weeks, with no other counseling involved. The intervention alone significantly increased romantic satisfaction compared with a control group, and the effects were still apparent at a follow-up assessment four months later.
More recent findings suggest the perceived novelty of a relationship may even shape attention. A 2020 study in Frontiers in Psychology used fMRI scans to show that people prompted to see their romantic relationships as exciting and novel were less likely to react to photos of attractive strangers than those simply reminded of their love for their partner.
Why vulnerability turns shared learning into a stronger bond
Researchers and clinicians who study couples often point to vulnerability as the active ingredient. When two people try something neither has mastered, both are exposed and that exposure becomes a chance to support each other rather than perform for each other.
“Learning new things together strengthens bonds because it is at those moments we can show our vulnerability to one another. When we are learning a new task, neither party is an expert, and mishaps and failures are bound to happen. In those vulnerable moments when we fail, the other party can show support. They can work together to find a solution, and working together helps deepen the connection,” Dr. Hisla Bates, a pediatric and adult psychiatrist in New York City, told Success.
That dynamic helps explain why date nights remain a staple of practical relationship advice. A predictable dinner is pleasant. A cooking class where one partner burns the garlic and the other can’t chop an onion is something else a small, shared moment of fumbling that builds trust.
How to put this relationship advice into practice
The research doesn’t demand skydiving or a six-month sabbatical. What matters is that the activity feels new and a little stretching for both partners. The 2013 Australian trial used a 90-minute weekly window. The 2000 study found benefits after just seven minutes.
A few starting points that align with what the studies tested
- A class neither of you has taken: pottery, a new language, social dance
- A physical activity outside your usual routine, like rock climbing or kayaking
- Cooking a cuisine neither of you has attempted at home
- A weekend day spent exploring a town neither of you has visited
- Volunteering together for a cause that requires learning new skills
The common thread is shared inexperience. The point isn’t to be impressive it’s to be a beginner together. That’s where the self-expansion the Arons described actually happens and where, the evidence suggests, the strongest bonds are quietly built.
This article was created by content specialists using various tools, including AI.
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