Royals fans got talent? The story behind the national anthem at Kauffman Stadium

The Kansas City Royals have a staff of people who deal with the media, and in my experience they’re underpaid. And I say that without actually knowing their salaries. I just know whatever it is, it’s not enough.

Whether it’s me going places I’m not supposed to go, or me staying in the clubhouse after it’s closed, or me not reading the game notes they provide and then asking a dumb question that’s answered right there in those unread game notes …

OK, I’m just realizing their main problem is me.

Sorry about that guys, but you know I’m going to do all that stuff again in 2019. Just know that I consider you underpaid for dealing with me.

But this isn’t about my favorite subject … me … it’s about an email I got from one of those media wranglers.

Nicest guy in the world: Mike Cummings.

Mike’s email was entitled: “Royals Fans Got Talent.”

Every year the Royals have to find 81 people to perform the National Anthem and an unspecified number to perform God Bless America. Mike’s email described the hoops that would-be performers must jump through to get an audition (for more information, go to royals.com/perform).

But trying to make up for all the stuff I do wrong during the season by sucking up to the Royals’ media relations department isn’t why I’m writing this. OK, to be totally honest, let’s say it’s not the only reason I’m writing this.

Follow the instructions

If you’re a ballplayer or baseball beat writer, you have to listen to 162 versions of the national anthem every year. God forbid you play for or cover the Toronto Blue Jays, because then you’d also have to listen to 162 versions of O Canada.

BTW: I’m not saying anything about the relative worth of the two countries, but for my money O Canada is a way better song than The Star-Spangled Banner.

On the other hand, Francis Scott Key supposedly wrote our national anthem while watching the bombardment of Fort McHenry during the War of 1812, so I guess we ought to be grateful that the first verse isn’t: “Holy @*#%, duck!”

But I digress, as I so often do.

In Mike’s email, it says that all national anthem and God Bless America performances “must be 90 seconds or less and in the traditional version of the song.” So, basically, keep it short and don’t add extra notes.

If you’ve been to a baseball game since Jose Feliciano was hot, you know it doesn’t always work out that way.

When I asked someone with the Royals why people were allowed to sing the anthem like they thought it was a tryout for American Idol, I was told that most singers follow the given instructions during their audition, “but once they get out on the field, we can’t stop them.”

So if you’re lucky enough to get to sing the anthem at a Royals game, just remember everybody who has to be there every night — the players, the coaching staff, the vendors, the grounds crew and the media — can’t wait for you to finish.

Backstage at The K

There’s a lot more to Kauffman Stadium than most fans see.

There’s a pump room under the fountains, kitchens where food is prepared, a tunnel under the parking lot between The K and Arrowhead and a holding cell where they park the fans that do dumb stuff, like having too much to drink and jumping into one of those fountains.

(Heads up, Mike: One of my goals for 2019 is to show fans the holding cell where they’ll wind up if they do something really stupid. I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to go there — what else is new? — but maybe you can think of it as stupidity prevention.)

Anyway, if you watch Ned Yost’s post-game interviews, they’re done in the same room used to stage the national anthem singers, first-pitch throwers, color guard and anybody else who is going to perform on the field.

Walk in there before a game starts and it looks like backstage at the Ed Sullivan Show. Singers doing scales, trumpet players clearing spit valves and guys playing catch in the hallway. If I see a bear riding a unicycle any time soon, I’ll let you know.

One final request

Part of Mike’s email about singing the national anthem says this: “Pyrotechnics and/or harmful materials are prohibited.”

Whenever I read about something outlandish being prohibited, it tells me someone at some point must have tried it. Otherwise, why mention it?

I know I said you should follow the instructions, but if you want to try singing the national anthem with a lit firecracker up each nostril, I can tell you right now that all those people I mentioned — the players, the coaching staff, the vendors, the grounds crew and the media — would love to see that.

And remember: Once you’re out on the field, they can’t stop you.

See? I told you Mike Cummings is underpaid.