Child sex abuse is a tragic reality. Parents, here’s your toolkit | Opinion
When a couple has a child, a feeling of overwhelming responsibility accompanies the joy. The mother’s immediate task is to nurture the growth of her child in the womb. For the father, the primary responsibility is to be a provider — although this role is often shared by both parents.
When the child is born, being watchful and protective dominates every aspect of life. No parents want their child to be harmed. They cover electric outlets so their toddlers don’t get shocked. They childproof staircases and keep household chemicals out of reach.
If parents are so protective, then why is sexual abuse so common in our country? Statistically, 1 out of 3 to 4 girls are violated, and 1 out of 5 to 7 boys become victims of sexual abuse before their 18th birthday, according to the Children’s Advocacy Center. With 50-60 million childhood sexual abuse survivors in the U.S., according to the National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse, this silent epidemic needs to be revealed publicly, and loudly.
How could such a horrendous crime become so widespread? While moms and dads may be vigilant about the physical safety of their children, the thought of protecting their child’s innocence might not be on their radar. Because their minds are not depraved, they rarely consider that others might have twisted intentions. However, they are often nonchalant about leaving their children in the care of others. They just assume that the intentions of most people are honorable.
This is where parents slip up. Instead of presuming the best in others, parents must train themselves to err on the side of caution and never assume. Unfortunately, being suspicious runs counter to everything we want to believe about the basic goodness of people. It goes against our natural inclination to expect the best from relatives, neighbors and friends.
Lack of awareness can be catastrophic when it involves a child’s welfare. Once a child’s innocence is lost, once it has been ripped away, it can never be restored, and that can permanently alter the child’s self-concept and demeanor.
Greatest Generation concealed pain
I’m not being hypothetical. I have experienced three generations of this, with more than 50 years of trauma in my own family, beginning with my mother. The deep dark secret she shared only with my father was that she had been sexually abused repeatedly as a child — a scar that never healed. And honoring her privacy, my father took that secret to his grave. While keeping this terrible secret was with his best intentions, it was a big mistake in an otherwise heroic life. Silence in the face of abuse was the hallmark of the Greatest Generation, and my family fell into that trap.
How did it happen? A sly young photographer convinced my grandparents to let him take snapshots of their beautiful daughter — a classic ruse that we paid for dearly when two more generations in our family later became victims of sexual abuse. If my parents had spoken openly about my mother’s abuse, my sister and nieces would have been emboldened to speak out and not be manipulated by pedophiles.
No parent wants what my family has suffered. Parents can’t afford to be passive. Instead of assuming that everyone in your circle — your church, your business or your neighborhood — has good intentions, understand that even if the neighbor just wants to take your child for an ice cream, there is always the chance of another motive.
I’m not suggesting we’re surrounded by perpetrators. I’m talking about prevention. Consider this: What is the chance of being in an accident while you’re driving or riding in a vehicle? Answer: It’s very slim. So why does the law mandate seat belts? Answer: Because no one should ever have to take that chance.
Trust your gut over outward appearances. It may feel socially uncomfortable, but you might end up sparing your child from a lifetime of trauma.
What if you learn that something did happen to your child? The natural inclination is to keep the abuse a secret. But that’s a mistake. It’s not the way to protect your kids. Instead, report the pedophile to law enforcement, because secrecy is an abuser’s only friend.
Alcoholics Anonymous says, “You are only as sick as your secrets.” And abusers thrive on secrecy. Ephesians 5:11 tells us, “Do not participate in the useless deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them.” Outing pedophiles is your most powerful weapon.
Teach kids not to become victims
Let me share from experience some critical takeaways for April, which is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and Child Abuse Prevention Month:
The World Health Organization estimates that 150 million girls and 73 million boys are victims of childhood sexual abuse worldwide.
One in 5 children is solicited sexually on the internet before the age of 18.
There is no shame in being a victim. The only shame is remaining silent about it.
Silence enables predators to continue molesting others. Turn them in. Immediately. Call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673).
Sexual predators are sneaky and the ultimate manipulators. Even if they confess and promise to turn over a new leaf, never trust them again.
Ninety percent of child sex abuse victims know their perpetrator. In our family, “Uncle Joe” became intimate with my sister’s young daughters while reading them bedtime stories. My youngest sister was raped every month for seven years by a trusted friend and his wife, who kindly took her on their family camping trips. Teach your kids that if they ever feel uncomfortable in the presence of any adult, they should always take charge of themselves — even if it doesn’t seem polite.
If your child has been abused, seek professional help. They will need support in healing and have likely been told by their abuser that they’re the ones to blame. They’re often told that if their parents find out, they won’t believe them, or that they’ll never love them again.
If an adult you know and like wants to spend time with your kid, you or your spouse should be present. If they question this arrangement, be unapologetic about your blanket policy. If the interested adult is sincere, they’ll respect that. If he or she has other motives, they’ll lose interest.
Be strong. Be courageous. Stand up and speak out.
Most important, teach your kids at a young age that they can always tell you if something is wrong — and they’ll never be in trouble for it. And you’ll always love them.