Bitter pill to swallow? Not if it’s dropped

It’s a good day when I can take my pills out of their tidy organizer and not drop one.

The peskiest, a little white thing with a name I can’t easily pronounce or spell, is the most likely to hit the floor. I can barely hold it with two meaty fingers.

It’s called Metaprolol. The others are Atorvastatin, Brilanta, Lisinopril, Paroxotine, Thyroxin, Buproprion and, until I simply just stopped taking it, Omeprazol.

If these words remind you of all the pharmaceutical TV adds, I apologize.

I also have something called Promethazine for migraines, which I carry faithfully in my pocket. Out of habit, I keep it with me even though I haven’t had a migraine since last September.

That’s when I had a stent installed and starting taking blood-pressure meds, exercising and eating like a gerbil.

I like using the word “install” in that context because it sounds like I upgraded to a new stereo in my car.

We males are not known for our fine-motor skills, even though I imagine the majority of surgeons, at least for now, are men. That’s true also of auto mechanics, virtuoso violinists and assassins.

Personally, I’ve tried to thread needles and sew buttons and let’s just say it’s best to block off the afternoon for something like that.

This will come as a big surprise to my wife, but most of the time I don’t pay attention to the pills in my hand. My mind’s already moved on to what I plan to do next, which typically involves crawling around looking for pills.

In an ideal world, all the floors in our house would be painted dark, solid colors and there’d be no furniture. Pills have a way of hiding by hopping under the closest couch or desk.

Our granddaughter is just approaching the ripe-old age of 3 months, but my wife’s already worried about her crawling around, finding my pills and stuffing them in her mouth.

That’s why we need a dog, even if it’s just two hours a day. Dogs will eat anything, including vile pills, unless you try to get them to swallow one from the vet.

Don’t get me wrong; I wish no ill will to this hypothetical dog. But if you’ve seen some of the things dogs eat and don’t die from, you’d feel confident that a single Metaprolol would do nothing but prompt some upchucking and have him sniffing around for more pills.

But I will have to clean up my act once little Sofia crawls. The girl’s moving just about all the time as it is, so we’ll need to equip her with a pedometer and a NASCAR pit pass once she actually crawls.

As far as containing pill spills goes, I should be more careful. But frankly, what are the chances of that? I’d have to take more pills for adult ADD, and then where would I be?

That’s right, down on my hands and knees looking for a new minute pill on the patterned, multi-colored rug under my desk.

Sometimes I take my pills in front of the TV in the family room. The carpet in there is one of those neutral earth tones that conceals everything but the coffee I slosh on the way in.

I’m thinking I should move the entire pill operation upstairs, where Sofia won’t go until she can walk. But even then, there’ll be an adult walking behind her serving as a spotter and instilling a healthy fear of doom: “Watch where you put your foot! Hold onto the rail! Don’t run with scissors in your hands!”

With all those warnings, I’m sure I’d hear her coming and simply close the door.

But for a long-range, airtight plan, the pills should probably be administered in a second-floor room with a door that can be locked. I could equip this inner sanctum with a dark, solid, bounce-proof area rug, and station myself there when it’s pill time.

My eyesight’s gone to the dogs, so I’m afraid the day will come when I can’t even see one of those pesky tablets on an ink-black rug.

What I’d like to see is for drug manufacturers to come up with a drop-resistant pill, something with a textured coating that isn’t as slick.

Paint manufacturers make slip-resistant floor paint, so why can’t the pharmaceutical companies do something similar?

Of course, they could make the pills a little larger, and maybe make them in Day-Glo colors.

There’s about as much chance of that happening as getting me to pay more attention to what I’m doing. I figure the pill industry would just be pleased to hear I’d done something about that attention-deficit disorder.

Then I’d have more pills to buy.

Have a pill story? Let me know at davidknopf48@gmail.com.

This story was originally published March 30, 2016 at 1:31 PM with the headline "Bitter pill to swallow? Not if it’s dropped."