No toilet paper? Pine cones perfect option amid pandemic shortages, park service jokes

Toilet tissue is again tough to find in the pandemic, and that’s fueling an odd conversation about alternatives on the National Park Service’s Facebook page.

It began with an official, but tongue-in-cheek park service post of a bear studying a pine cone.

“With the toilet paper supply running low, deciding on the best pine cone became a bear necessity,” NPS officials wrote. “Don’t worry. It’ll be pine.”

The joke comes as toilet paper and disinfectant shortages have been reported across the country in recent weeks, as news has spread of an uptick in COVID-19 cases, McClatchy News reported. As a result, “retailers are once again limiting purchases to prevent shortages on popular items.”

More than 9,000 people have reacted to the post since Saturday, with many taking the pine cone option seriously. This includes some who offered tips for using pine cones — “orient the cone in the direction of travel” — and others suggesting other options from the yard.

“I prefer mullein leaves to pine cones, thank you very much!” Robert Copeland responded on Facebook.

“Corn cobs are softer than pine cones,” Janine Dunkel wrote.

“No sap on the corn cobs either,” Kimberly Maehrer said.

Technically, none of these ideas are new. Mankind did what came naturally in the centuries before toilet paper was invented and environmentalists continue to tout such natural alternatives as part of the “leave no trace” approach.

The best of these options, as reported by Fire Heart Adventures: pine cones, dry sticks, sand stone rocks and snow.

“The highly textured surface of a pine cone is effective for scraping, although its lack of form-fitting contours has a tendency to leave unwanted stuff behind. Not to mention, there are sharp points present,” Fire Heart Adventures says. “Work the pine cone too hard and your rump will pay the price next time you want to sit around a camp fire.”

SurvalistSchool.com adds: “You want a fresh one right from the tree before it has opened to drop its seeds.”

Snowballs are the safest and cleanest of the options, according to Backpacker.com. However, finding snow is often tougher than finding toilet paper this time of year.

“A handful of leaves is an obvious substitute for toilet paper, but proceed with caution. Besides poison ivy, numerous other plant species can causes rashes and irritation. Use them to wipe, and you’re going to have a very, very bad time,” the site reports.