Mr. Biggles the cat is an ‘utter bastard,’ but he needs a home

You know all those happy-happy-joy-joy stories that describe animals that need adopting?

“Loves kids.” “Great family pet.” “Likes to snuggle.”

Yeah, well, this isn’t one of those.

Meet Mr. Biggles. This cat is a real “bastard.”

Oh, that’s not our word. It’s the blunt and painfully honest assessment provided by Cat People of Melbourne, the pet rescue in Australia that’s trying to find him a home.

“Mr Biggles (also known as Lord Bigglesworth) is an utter utter utter bastard,” reads Mr. Biggles’ ad on PetRescue.

“He looks gorgeous with his slinky shiny black fur and big yellow eyes ... but beware. If he doesn’t like what you’re doing he will give you a nip! Sometimes he likes to swipe at your feet too. It just depends on what he can reach at the time.”

Apparently Mr. Biggles, who is 2 years old, also “does not like to be thwarted.”

He’s given to “catty tantrums” if he can’t go outside when he wants or he’s not fed on time.

“Mr Biggles is a despot and dictator, he will let you know he is not happy, which is often because things are often just not up to his high standards,” reads the ad.

“There is some warning that Lord Bigglesworth is displeased with you, his eyes will go dark and tail will start swishing harder. Mr Biggles likes his cuddles on his terms, and will sit in your lap when he decides it’s time. If the stroking is not up to his standards, he will nip you.”

Any takers?

“He’s had a lot of responses since I put his profile up on Sunday but sadly no human slaves have offered themselves up as sacrifices as yet,” Gina Brett, the cat rescue’s founder and coordinator, told The Huffington Post.

That’s not likely to be the case for much longer. Mr. Biggles’ profile is gaining attention, the most popular one posted by Cat People since the group started up last year.

Brett amended his profile by adding this: “STOP PRESS! Exclusive interview with Mr Biggles now available for viewing by his adoring public.”

He has his own website, too. Utterbastardcat.com.

He’s apparently not purebred bastard, though. He’s got a “secret soft side.” He snores a little when he sleeps and loves to supervise the gardening, Brett wrote.

She’s been fostering Mr. Biggles since October, but he needs a permanent place to rule as the dark lord.