His job isn’t to babysit. This stay-at-home dad’s book offers advice to other fathers

For Shannon Carpenter, being a stay-at-home dad is an adventure, and now he’s sharing what he’s learned from his 15 years taking care of kids with other fathers who might feel overwhelmed.

His new book, “The Ultimate Stay-At-Home Dad” (available at Amazon and various bookstores), gives out tips for how to structure activities with kids, be prepared for anything and how to look after yourself while doing it.

“When I was a new father… there really wasn’t any advice to us,” Carpenter said. “It got to a point where I wanted to write the book that I wanted in the beginning. What would help me utilize my natural skills as a father to really succeed at parenting?”

One thing he emphasizes throughout the book is how important it is to make a plan with your spouse for looking after your mental health. Things that help are finding a group of dads, getting out of the house with the kids, delegating household responsibilities and setting aside small chunks of time to be alone and recharge.

Carpenter’s fellow dads are all over the pages of the book. Some have a line or two about one topic, but his closest dad pals weigh in on each section like a chorus, with their own thoughts and experiences.

“A lot of the advice, I almost vetted through them. The goal there is when a new dad gets this book, he kind of has his own dads group. With stay-at-home dads, isolation is a pretty major thing. I was trying to address that: You have guys that understand you. I’m going to let you borrow mine,” Carpenter said.

He met the group shortly after moving to Lee’s Summit 13 years ago and encourages new stay-at-home dads to find a local group through City Dads Group. The Kansas City-area groups are at www.meetup.com/KansasCityDadsGroup.

Recently, he especially needed that emotional support during the virtual school phase of the pandemic, when he had three kids at home needing various levels of assistance with schoolwork.

Carpenter didn’t want to get too heavy-handed with the advice in his book.

“Dads in general, when it comes to advice and parenting, we don’t go with sentimental that much. It kind of doesn’t speak to us. What works is the humor,” he said. “So when you look at the book, it’s written with straightforward advice illustrated in a humorous way. If you can see a disaster in a funny way that I may have learned the advice, that’s going to stick with you longer.”

Problems he addresses include everything from the lack of changing tables in men’s rooms to how moms have sometimes reacted to him being the only man at story time or at the playground.

Acceptance of stay-at-home dads has increased a lot since he started.

“I’ve read a lot of bad advice for dads that assumes that Mom is an obstacle, the baby is a problem, and I just want to get back to my golf game. My job is not to help Mom. My job is not to babysit my kids — I’m a father. My job is to be a father. I’m not helping Mom when I’m being Dad,” he said.

Carpenter said he wouldn’t trade these years at home with his kids for anything.

“People have misconceptions about stay-at-home dads, that I was forced into this or that there was no other choice, or that I’m lazy, or I’m unhireable. None of that’s true. My wife didn’t let me do this; I chose to do this. I’m good at this, but I’m still as manly as the next guy,” he said.

One strength of Kansas City he has taken advantage of over the years is its libraries. Whether it’s the downtown library on 10th Street or the new Colbern Road branch of the Mid-Continent Public Library, he’s all about their programming.

He especially appreciated a monthly meet-up run by the downtown branch’s youth services manager, Clare Hollander, who for years ran a monthly meet-up for stay-at-home dads and their kids.

“I would recommend all the dads here in Kansas City go find her. … Their programs there are just amazing. I advise new dads, ‘Go find your Clare,’” he said.

Hollander loved having them at the library but gives most of the credit for the kids’ excellent reading abilities to the dads of the group.

“They came back later saying their kids were really strong readers, and I would argue that has more to do with the fact that they had very involved fathers in those critical years than going to library once a month,” she said. “…I was just giving them great books and a great space and just being welcoming and helping them cultivate a love of learning,” she said.