It’s time for Johnson County to secede — think Topeka will notice?

2016 is an ugly time for politics. Even aside from the presidential election, it’s ghastly — especially if you live in Kansas. It’s like Topeka is a beacon, the mother ship, if you will, for idiots. Even worse, it’s a collection of dolts so unself-aware that they don’t even know they’re an embarrassment to themselves, their constituents and active brain cells everywhere.

Our state is a hot mess, but let’s not focus on that. Instead let’s just sidestep or ignore the real, fiscal problems that need to be addressed and get our Charmin three-ply in a twist over non-issues like freaking restrooms. People keep on bringing up Target’s allowing free-range bathroom use and the ensuing downfall of humanity this will shepherd in, and all I have to say is, “Have you ever broached the perimeter of a Target?”

Every single Target I’ve ever been in — and trust me, I’ve done a cross-country tour of Targets — has a lovely, spacious, exceptional WiFi connectivity, private or family restroom usually located next to the pharmacy. If you’re so worried about who’s in the stall three doors down, then just use what my children refer to as the “I’m going to be a while” bathroom at Target and get over yourself.

Now can we get down to some pressing business and talk about important things like education funding over restrooms of any kind, from schools to retail establishments. Oh wait, no, we can’t because that would require that nasty four-letter word — work — and who wants to do that when you can get some media face time talking toilets? The only toilets I want to talk about are the ones in the first floor of the Town Center Macy’s. The ladies room toilets are barely a foot off the ground. What’s up with that? It’s like I’m using the bathroom for Santa’s elves at the North Pole.

If the Kansas Legislature wants to worry about toilets they need to focus on the one our state is being flushed down. In fact, I’m so furious that I’ve been thinking that Johnson County and Lawrence (because it’s so close) need to secede from Kansas and start over. We could be New Kansas, the 51st state and the smallest in land mass. (Sorry, Rhode Island, but you had a good run.)

I can already see Peggy Dunn as governor of New Kansas. Full disclosure, I have had a girl crush of Mrs. Dunn for years. She’s super smart, understands the power of collaborative government, is a zoning goddess, has great hair (really, the lushness is amazing) and no one works a St. John’s knitwear dress better than the mayor of Leawood.

This whole secession thing could be fun. How’s this for a state motto: “We Have More Going On Than Toilets.” Even better, and be still my heart on this one, what if we were the Education State? We already have tremendous public schools and an outstanding community college in Johnson County. Imagine if New Kansas, without the nitwits in Topeka dragging us down, focused our considerable talents and funds on education. Businesses would be flocking to our state.

All those vacant strip malls in Overland Park and that horrible eyesore of a sad, old shopping center on Metcalf would soon be stuffed with high-tech companies that demand a smarty-pants workforce. Our state animal would be the unicorn because the greatness of New Kansas would be so mythical, and the horn would symbolize that we’re number one (or taking a detour to crassness, maybe it’s the middle finger that we would be giving to old Kansas).

Now, I realize the problem lies not in the secession plan (I’m not saying it’s going to easy, but I’m almost certain that most of the dim bulbs in the Legislature wouldn’t even notice until it was too late), but ensuring that the people of New Kansas elect leaders that are going to stay focused on things like funding schools, social issues, economic growth and a concierge DMV. (Really, why isn’t there a mobile DMV that comes to you?)

This is why I propose a yearly report card for all state elected officials. It totally goes along with our being the education state. If anyone falls below a 3.0 GPA, they are kicked out. No do-overs, no questions asked, just a “don’t let the door hit you on the way out” bye-bye. Sure, we could go with a 2.5, but I ask you: Does New Kansas want to tolerate an average performance? I think not.

As for the elected federal representation like the U.S. Senate, well, I’m 100 percent certain we could find two people who have higher goals for the great state of New Kansas than toilet totalitarianism.

This story was originally published May 3, 2016 at 8:52 PM with the headline "It’s time for Johnson County to secede — think Topeka will notice?."