Snarky in the Suburbs: Spring is the epidural for the pain of summers past

I’m worried about the long-term memory capabilities of almost every resident in Greater Kansas City. It seems most KC peeps have forgotten that springtime in the plains brings a mercurial flux in weather conditions. Hot to cold, cold to hot. Snow in the morning, sweat in the afternoon. Consider spring like a hungry, sleep-deprived teenager during finals week — mood swings a plenty. Yes, it’s annoying to go from flip flops to boots in a 12-hour time span, but that’s just spring’s way of blessing us with something to talk about.

This is one of the reasons I love spring. As a season, it’s a giver. Last week’s weather was so loopy it became the ultimate conversation starter and had most of us chatting in earnest with strangers for more than the cursory three seconds it takes to say “Good (insert day part here). In fact, I consider our recent temperature roulette a citywide team building exercise. And as an added perk the weather was wacky and riveting enough it saved all of us from going to that dark, scary place — discussing the presidential race.

Spring is like a mother before she gets really mad. It gently nudges and reminds you to start getting things done. For instance, the climate musical chairs we’re experiencing is spring’s way of whispering, “You-hoo, my sweet friend, sure you’ve got on long pants this morning, but by this afternoon it’s going to 79 degrees and shorts city. So, ya might want to put down the doughnut and back away from the bear claw. Don’t panic. You’ve still got time. The pools open in two months, that’s enough to do, well, not a lot, but maybe you could get rid of that swim skirt and, fingers crossed, three cellulite dimples. You can do this. Just take it one day and pastry item at a time.”

Now compare spring’s dulcet, encouraging tones to that of summer — a season best described as a three-month hot flash with occasional bouts of tears in the form of precipitation and passive aggressive tendencies expressed via fluctuating humidity levels. Summer’s “encouragement” would be shouting, “Hey fatty, for the love of God, put down the doughnut or buy a swim muumuu.”

Advantage spring.

The springtime also lovingly prompts you that it’s time to renew the very personal relationship you have with your lawn. It doesn’t matter that you got in a big fight and broke up with your yard in October after you raked and filled up 23 bags of leaves only to have it look worse than when you started two hours later. (Curse you, wind and pin oak trees!) It doesn’t even matter that you threatened to xeriscape your entire yard and replace all the grass with gravel. Thank goodness a cooler head (winter) and your HOA bylaws prevailed. Blame all that nonsense on autumn and shake it off. Spring is here to heal that rift.

It begins by seducing you into surveying your lawn. The gentle swaying of blooming fruit trees beckon you outside. Once you’re walking every nook and cranny of your yard you’ll notice some patches of grass that need assistance. Boom! That’s all it takes to get you back out there with a bag of soil amendment and a shovel. Thus the dance of unrequited love begins anew with your lawn.

Spring is really all about love. It even helps you parent. For this is the season where you hit the wall with all your children’s activities and projects. End of the year book reports and tests, school programs, concert, performances — it all has you yearning for the sweet freedom of summer. And yet, spring knows that summer is a freedom mirage. That before you can say, “Let’s just all chill out and do nothing” every mother will be forced to simmer in the national whine of summer, the kids’ chorus of “I’m bored” or my personal favorite, “I’m tired of the pool.” Seriously, how can anyone under 12 be tired of the pool? It’s the adult equivalent of saying I’m tired of margaritas.

What spring does is give you the month of May to feel overwhelmed and overscheduled, thus keeping you too busy to remember that three weeks into summer you’ll start feeling like you’re running a day camp or are the cruise director of the S.S. When Is School Starting? Consider spring like an epidural. It helps blocks the pain of past summers so you can delude yourself that it’s going to be 10 weeks of uninterrupted R&R.

So, instead of dissing spring or even being confused by its temperament, let’s all give this season a high five. You may have mittens on when you’re doing this or you could have on SPF 70. It’s just spring’s way of keeping you guessing.

This story was originally published March 29, 2016 at 11:13 PM with the headline "Snarky in the Suburbs: Spring is the epidural for the pain of summers past."