Snarky in the Suburbs: Bulls-eye! I luck into a Christmas miracle

Something magical happened to me at Target on Christmas Eve. I was there to up my stocking stuffer game, because upon checking my stash of stocking goodies I discovered all I had were holiday breath mints. This confused me because I had bought loads of candy a week earlier. My inventory was quite robust. I had Santa Snickers, Peppermint Hershey Kisses and the much-maligned Reese’s Christmas trees.

Let’s take a moment here and talk about the Reese’s trees. For the people that have so much time on their hands that they can go to Defcon 5 on the Internet about a candy not accurately depicting a balsam fir, let me offer up this suggestion — get a life and/or seek therapy. It’s chocolate and peanut butter — that should be enough. As for the mystery of where did all my stocking candy go, I plead the Fifth. I may or may not have consumed it.

Now on to my miracle.

As I was pushing my cart down the smell-good aisle (i.e. soaps, lotions and other assorted body washes), I saw something amiss on the second lowest shelf. An item I had been coveting since the day after Thanksgiving was hiding behind some Axe “Dark Temptation” Gift Packs (and by “dark temptation” I’m guessing Axe means smelling like a combination of a high school cafeteria and the Nike outlet.) I stopped short and immediately dropped to all fours to claw my way through a bevy of overly aromatic dude scents to get my hands on it. When I finally snagged it, I assumed a kneeling position and sang 30 seconds of Handel’s “Hallelujah Chorus.”

Then as I was hoisting myself off the floor I saw another one. Yes, another one, camouflaged by a trio of Vaseline Spray & Go moisturizer for the mammal that’s too busy to rub in lotion. At first I thought, “Maybe it’s a mirage.” How could there be two of the most sought-after holiday 2015 items left on Christmas Eve?

As I crawled my way to it, I noticed a woman intently watching me. To be accurate,at first I noticed her Ugg boots with large satin bows on the back. After all, I was at ground level. (Note: If you’re old enough to have had an un-ironic disco-themed prom and a date who wore a baby blue tuxedo — please try to embrace bow-free footwear.) This chick and I were zeroed in on the same item. In fact, Bow Uggs looked ready to pounce. But, I had her. I was already on the ground and there was no way she was beating me to getting another one. It was mine! All mine! (In the spirit of the season I considered sharing, but then, thank goodness, that feeling quickly passed.)

I triumphantly rose up off the Target tile with each arm proudly lifting my bounty like a WWE World Heavyweight showing off his championship belt. For, you see, I had found two Star Showers! Yeah, that’s right. This girl had not one, but two of the latest thing to hit exterior Christmas illumination since net lights.

The Star Shower, just in case you’re remedial on holiday decor innovations, is a laser light that projects a gazillion red and green holographic stars onto your house, and the best part is all you have to do is shove the thing in your grass and plug it in. No untangling strands of lights so entwined that you question your sanity and fine motor skills; no hours spent hanging lights until your carpal tunnels flares up; no climbing on a ladder; no freaking light hooks or crying when you can’t find the one blasted light that is out, causing you to really start hating the holidays. Nope, the Star Shower eliminates all of that. It’s like idiot-proofing Christmas.

I had been looking for a Star Shower for a month. They were sold out everywhere. Amazon got my hopes up and pretended they had some, but two days after I placed my order I was informed that there was a “processing error” on the website and I’d be Star Showerless for Christmas. The struggle was very real.

God bless the Target employee who must be very young and inexperienced in any and all exterior holiday home illumination knowledge and upon seeing boxes with Star Shower emblazoned on them incorrectly assumed the product belonged in the body wash aisle. More glad tidings of joy to the employee who then inadvertently hid the Star Showers behind Axe gift packs and aerosol Vaseline.

As we enter into a new year I shall continue to embrace my holiday magical moment as a reminder that amazing things can happen when you least expect it and that “Dark Temptation” Axe body wash is probably more of a lifestyle choice than a scent preference.

This story was originally published December 29, 2015 at 5:21 PM with the headline "Snarky in the Suburbs: Bulls-eye! I luck into a Christmas miracle."