Denise Snodell: Our landline is hanging by a thread

A phone is never louder, never more jolting, than when it rings at 2:48 a.m. This happened to us a few weeks ago.

I’ve been trained to not think the worst because my husband’s work sometimes involves odd calls at odd times. But still. Despite my tenuous “don’t worry” default system, it’s always a relief to verify the occasional middle-of-the-night rrrriiinnng does not involve, say, a howdy from the emergency room regarding my son’s broken leg. (Scout campout six years ago. Good times.)

The recent 2:48-er was thankfully not an emergency. But it was a new kind of wee hours telephone infraction, as recounted below. Please note “SFX” is screenwriter lingo for “sound effects.”

The room is dark. One or two people might be snoring.

SFX: Sudden, shrill rings straight from hell.

Husband: “Hello?”

SFX: A stern, monotone voice emanates from receiver.

SFX: Guttural sigh. Phone slam.

Me: Who was that?

Husband: “Mike” from “the IRS.”

This was not our first scam robocall. There is no such thing as a first scam robocall. These intrusions have existed since the beginning of time. We all know the “the big bang” was really God hanging up on Tammy from AAAA Deluxe Karpet Kleaners. But this was our first middle-of-the-night robo disturbance.

If Alexander Graham Bell knew back in 1876 that “Mike” from “the IRS” would use his gadget to awaken future Americans, he might have dialed back his career.

Startled out of slumber by a scambot! The gall. The nerve. The outrage. Naturally, I couldn’t fall back asleep for hours. The rest of that day was a blur. I was annoyed with the world. Trees were stupid. Why did the sky have to be so blue? What kind of idiot invented cupcakes?

We both have cellphones. We prefer to keep a landline for professional reasons, but we’re questioning this.

FYI. The National Do Not Call Registry, which we’re supposedly on, is basically a digital colander. Scammers slip through like water. I know this because in regard to these illegal calls, the FTC website says it’s “leading several initiatives” to develop a tech-based solution. That’s fancy talk for, “Man, we’re slapping our foreheads on this one.”

So we were jolted enough to put our communications lifestyle on notice. In a last-ditch effort to maintain status quo, I took the first step. I called our phone company. Even that sounds old fashioned. LOL — we have a phone company! Are we dinosaurs? Yes.

I, Wilma Flintstone, gave customer service the 411 on the appalling incident. How we can prevent these rude intrusions, I asked. For more dollars per month, they told me, we could add call blocking, which, they also told me, doesn’t block all scam calls.

I have to pay more per month to maybe prevent this? No.

No. No. No.

Ever study a phone bill? It’s a long list of inexplicable plans, charges, services, taxes and fees. That’s not all. These nouns of profit are glittered and multiplied with fancier adjectives including “special” and “universal” and “federal” and “municipal.” The permutations are astounding.

I threw this chunky soup of wacky line items back at customer service, saying I will not add one more “thing” to my bill. Then — the clincher — I floated the idea of ditching our land line altogether.

Ironically, the concept of “bye bye” can spark panic in a phone company employee. I was immediately transferred to a corner office. We now have the call blocking feature at no additional charge.

But so what? I’ve been *60-ing a ton of bogus calls. I’m still getting a ton of bogus calls.

The plan? If one more middle-of-the night robot ever phones it in again, we’ll ditch our Fred and Wilma landline and fully embrace the future as George and Jane Jetson.

Which simply means scammers will bother us wirelessly. 　　

This story was originally published November 10, 2015 at 5:17 PM with the headline "Denise Snodell: Our landline is hanging by a thread."