Snarky in the Suburbs: A love letter to home

I’m in love. It took awhile. At first I was like, “Well you’re OK and all, but you’re still not doing it for me.” It wasn’t a “gobsmacked at first sight” kind of romance. And then ever so slowly the relationship turned serious. I started achingly missing my beloved when I was gone and began comparing everything else to my sweetie and nothing came close to measuring up. Now, I’m ready to take the next step and share my ardor with the world.

People, I’m head-over-heels passionately in love with Kansas City! Not just my little corner of the Kansas City area mind you, but the whole amazing region. In fact, right now I’m writing this sitting in a North Kansas City QuikTrip parking lot and it’s not dimming the devotion I feel. It’s intensifying it. Everyone that walks into the QuikTrip is smiling and by God there’s always someone running that thingamabob that mops the floors. Happiness and cleanliness. Does it get any better?

Yes, yes, I know we’re landlocked and no one has an ocean view or can smell the sea air wafting as they take their morning run. And for sure we’re not a city perched on a mountain range. But who cares? I’ve lived by the ocean and let me tell you that sea air can carry a stink. I think it’s the mix of salt, sand doing double duty as a Porta Potty, beach refuse and assorted offshore chemicals mixing it up for a signature scent of “Gag.”

I’ve also called the mountains home. The Sierra Nevadas to be exact, and yeah, they’re breathtaking. If I sat on the toilet in my son’s bathroom just right, with half a cheek on the seat and rotating about 60 degrees to the left I got a spectacular view of a snowy mountain vista. Never mind why a builder would construct a home so the best view was from a toilet. I guess it’s a Nevada thing because in Kansas City mistakes like that wouldn’t happen. Nope. Never, ever.

I’ll also concede that some wussies may not think our climate is ideal, but they couldn’t be more wrong. Four distinct seasons is the why the Lord intended folks to live. It gives you variety and always a new season to look forward to. It’s good for the soul and your mental health. Let’s look at areas of the country where it’s always warmish. Texas: Lived there, done that, chock full of crazies. And how about Florida? It’s the epicenter for crimes against common sense.

Plus having basically the same weather every day stunts your personal growth. I’ve lived in Los Angeles and yeah I’ll concede that the weather is delightful, but it also makes you soft and lacking in what I call grownup skills. Do you know people in L.A. are afraid to drive in the rain? And I’m not talking a deluge of biblical proportions where in 20 minutes so much precipitation falls you could dock a cruise ship in your driveway. No, I’m referring to a pitter-patter of rain scaring Southern Californians. Yeah, how incredibly embarrassing. Can you see Kansas Citians being frightened by the mist of a gentle rain? Again, Nope. Never, ever.

Now lest some of you think I’m going gaga over Kansas City based solely on our World Series Champion Royals, let me correct your thought process right now. I was deeply affectionate towards KC before baseball. What the Royals have done is give humble and oh-so-polite Kansas City peeps permission to frolic, just really roll around in KC deliciousness and freely share the awesomeness of our hometown.

We live in a city that is at the forefront of all things amazing. Culturally we’ve got it going on. Right now I’m blowing kisses at the Kauffman Center, the Kemper — go for the art; stay for the food — and the Nelson-Atkins. I can’t even imagine what the level of greatness will be when the new UMKC Conservatory of Music and Dance is gracing downtown. We’re also a foodie’s dream, and if you’re an entrepreneur bring your creativity to KC because we make things happen. Plus, if you haven’t been to the World War I Museum, stop what you’re doing right now and go there. It is one of the best museums I have ever experienced. Prepare to be amazed.

And going slightly off topic: Hey there, state of Nebraska, with your Visit Nice billboard on northbound Interstate 35 just as drivers are about to enter metropolitan KC. You might want to relocate your lame sign to, I don’t know, a cornfield back home, because Kansas City is better than nice. It’s world class! So say bye bye and run along now.

The rest of us will run out and give each other high fives because we’re lucky enough to call Kansas City home.

This story was originally published November 2, 2015 at 1:07 PM with the headline "Snarky in the Suburbs: A love letter to home."