Why is traffic in Johnson County miserable? One other-worldly theory

Something super weird is going on. Everything seems more crowded. Did Johnson County have a massive population boom in the last four months that was under reported? Even my beloved McDonald’s drive thru is hot mess of humans.

Oh, just stop. I know what you’re thinking, “There she goes again with McDonald’s.”

But slow your roll because the McDonald’s at Roe is my bellwether. What I see happening there is a very strong indicator of trends. A morning drive thru that suddenly stretches into the street is a sign of something.

I drive a lot, and I’m telling you every road seems more crowded. Even my secret shortcuts are now jammed with cars. For years, these shortcuts were my own little congestion hacks, and now my zigs and zags that used to cut minutes off my drive time are basically parking lots.

What spooks me, like there’s some weird other-worldly invasion going on, are the traffic lights. Back in the day, and by that, I mean May, I usually never had to sit longer than one light change. Now, at three in the afternoon on 119th, I’m waiting two light changes to proceed in a forward motion down the road.

Yeah, be afraid, be very afraid, because that’s not normal. I’m telling you something is up, especially when you add in that the roads seem to be suddenly swarming with rude drivers. I decided to share my data (Yeah, the McDonald’s drive thru is data.) with friends and everyone agreed with me that our roads are a lot more crowded.

There was plenty of conjecture. One person speculated that the never-ending 435 road construction is pushing people off the highway and onto the surface streets. That sounded very plausible because 435 between Metcalf and the I-35 exit is horrific.

Especially if you get in the center lane. If you love your car — specifically your car’s suspension, tires and alignment — do not ever get in that lane. It feels as if your car’s undercarriage is being assaulted by cannon fire by an elite squad of Navy Seals disguised as traffic cones. The Prowler roller coaster at Worlds of Fun provides a smoother ride than that patch of asphalt.

My neighbor thought maybe all the new office buildings that have been built are responsible for filling up the streets with more cars. Hmm, this kind of makes sense and would explain the never-ending drive-thru line. But, it doesn’t justify why I’m having to sit through two traffic lights in the middle of the afternoon in the deep burbs because wouldn’t most employees be in their office at 3?

That little factoid alone has me thinking that I still can’t rule out my first theory: lifeforms from the intergalactic sphere have disguised themselves as humans and are currently cruising the streets of Johnson County. Work with me on this on because it explains so much.

1) The increase in congestion.

2) Why the increase is unexplainable.

3) The crappy drivers.

All I have to say is Bingo, because I believe I proved my hypothesis. You would think that would make me happy, what with the whole being right and all, but it freaked me out.

When I turned to my husband for some soothing words, he gave me the “How crazy are you look?” and then explained that the roads are more crowded because a lot of streets are getting work done, thus causing a ripple effect that creates congestion, which in turn makes people mad, which then leads to unhappy drivers.

OK he’s probably correct, but I think my reasons are a whole lot more creative. I get points for that right?

This story was originally published September 22, 2017 at 11:05 AM with the headline "Why is traffic in Johnson County miserable? One other-worldly theory."