Emily Parnell: Debating the rules actually helps kids sharpen skills needed as adults

Do you believe in finding common ground, or do you take sides?

I often look at a debate and wish that the two sides could just stop tugging in opposite directions, and instead, drop the rope and move toward a common goal. Stop the wars of polar goals, and take the time to figure out what’s best for all involved.

A few years ago, I read a book called Nurtureshock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. The book explored the psychology and effectiveness of common parenting techniques, including a revealing chapter on parents and kids who argue. The book presented an alternative viewpoint to what I thought I knew, showing the benefits of kids and parents engaging in arguments over rules.

Several benefits stuck with me. First, a decision more agreeable to both parties could be reached if concessions could be made, and kids were ultimately more compliant because they felt the rules showed them respect. Another point has been of particular reassurance to me: When families that argued were interviewed, the parents walked away saying they felt like their kids didn’t respect them, yet those same kids weighed in as having higher respect levels for their parents than kids who weren’t allowed to argue. Kids who are allowed to speak their piece feel like they’ve been heard and by hashing through the minutia, point-by-point, actually gain understanding and respect for their parents’ points of view.

An argument felt like a beatdown for the parents, yet was a worthwhile experience. Respect was not lost. It was strengthened by understanding through productive debate over a topic; both sides made concessions; common ground was found, and kids walked away with the imperative skill of critical thinking.

On the other hand, kids whose parents provided oversimplified, unbending rules that didn’t take into account the variables of life felt unheard and disrespected.

I felt like a disrespected little kid the other day. A post on Gov. Sam Brownback’s Facebook page showed the current education funding equation. Stacks of variables and numbers in brackets jumbled together in what looked like an equation that belonged on a blackboard behind Einstein. The caption read, “The current school finance formula is complex beyond common sense. … It’s time for a new school finance formula. Kansas schools deserve more.” His solution, to replace it with a simpler funding formula.

I couldn’t bear walking away from the challenge. I had to see, am I smart enough to do this math? What kind of minute details are calculated into the school funding? Does it calculate down to the last pellet of lizard chow for the science lab?

I read through the variables: funding for at-risk and special needs children, transportation proportionate to the distance kids had to travel to school, the number of students, the number of kids in a school.

I was completely disheartened to see that all these little details that make such a huge impact on kids and families are being deemed unworthy of being a factor. The impact of the change would be one of disrespect to Kansas’ lives and needs.

And anyway, since when is math too hard for the government? At what point did Kansas supposedly become so simple-minded that we can’t think critically and understand that education is complicated?

There’s a time to argue. Right now is the time for us to write our legislators and let them know what we think. If you think education is important, check out Game on for Kansas Schools, an organization devoted to keeping an eye on the health of our education.

You’re smart enough to understand that complexity is necessary to serve the greater good. We’re grownups, and as part of a democracy, we have a say. If watching education be cut down at the knees is not what you want — well, you better say so. Fast.

I’ll begrudgingly argue at home, too. I’ll let my kids present their case for more time on a computer game, a reduced room-cleaning sentence, a snack after teeth are brushed, knowing they’ll have to do it again. If they present their case well, think it out and deliver it with respect, then listen to my side, well, I might just give in.

Am I teaching my kids to argue? Darn tootin’ I am. Because soon, they’ll grow up. And grownups have to be willing and equipped stand up for what they believe in.

This story was originally published March 10, 2015 at 6:09 PM with the headline "Emily Parnell: Debating the rules actually helps kids sharpen skills needed as adults."