All I want for Christmas is the perfect weapon to slay a dragon

“I know what I want for Christmas!” I told my husband and kids.

They never know what I want for a gift, nor do I.

I have what I need, and like what I have. As long as my belongings are in good working order and not offensively out of style, I am usually fairly satisfied.

My husband listened with interest as I told him of my burning desire. I felt wild with excitement as I imagined this new item in my home — in my hands. He seemed mildly surprised, but took note as I pulled out my laptop and showed him options, various price ranges, and weighed the pros and cons, explained the imperatives, and built my list of non-negotiable features.

I won’t tell you what the item is, just yet, but I’ll give you a hint. It’s a weapon to slay a dragon I fight daily.

Within an hour or so, a variety of suitable options were in my Amazon shopping cart. I combed through the reviews, weighing the top-rated items against each other.

I looked at the photos — of happy women dressed in white using the item in their beautiful homes.

Will I look like that when it arrives? I asked myself. Then reassuringly said, out loud, startling my children, “HECK yeah, this place will be a PALACE and I’m gonna be the queen!”

Before long, I’d moved on to the checkout. I didn’t need to wait until Christmas. I’m a working adult in the era of Amazon Prime. I could have it by Tuesday! All I had to do was hit, “buy now.”

But...Tuesday. Tuesday seemed like a long way off. Could I find this new, precious treasure, somewhere nearby? Somewhere I could simply go there in my car, present payment, then bring it home?

I searched again, and then found, YES. I could go get it right this very minute.

I know what you’re thinking. Whatever happened to delayed gratification? Do I have no patience? Have I not learned to wait? Was I some sort of spoiled brat that got everything I wanted?

The answer is, “no.” My mother, in fact, made me tediously aware of the earning process. Could we go to the zoo? Sure! If I did enough chores. Could I get new carpet for my bedroom? Absolutely! If I got a 100 percent on an assignment for every single square foot of my bedroom. Could I have a new bike? Absolutely. I just had to save up and buy one — or wait until Christmas.

She’d never have guessed she was forming a child who would not be able to wait a measly two months until Christmas for a new gadget.

“Let’s go buy it right now!” I told my husband. He shook his head, but agreeably went with me to the store, where not only was it sitting on a shelf, just waiting to come home to our family, but there was an instant manufacturer rebate! Did you read that? Instant! No waiting at all. It was double instant Christmas — 60 days early!

We arrived home, and I tore into the packaging, then pulled out the battery. I read in shock. It had to be charged for 3 hours. I made careful note of the time so I wouldn’t wait a second too long for the battery to charge.

And then….I waited. To use my new vacuum.

My new, lightweight, slay the daily dog-hair-tumbleweeds, cordless vacuum.

Hardly has there been a new appliance arrival so anticipated. A broom so dejectedly abandoned. A floor so gleefully swept.

When the charger indicated it was ready, I attacked. I raced from room to room eradicating dog hair, unfettered by a cord. I looked, I’m sure, just like the happy woman on the manufacturer’s website. Like a child on Christmas morning.

Oh, so back to Christmas morning. What do I want?

I don’t know. Surprise me.

This story was originally published November 1, 2016 at 5:08 PM with the headline "All I want for Christmas is the perfect weapon to slay a dragon."