Having a garage sale? Prepare to be psychologically profiled

I hate garage sales, mainly because I’m lazy. I’ve had a few garage sales over the years and just the hassle of pricing items was too much for me. Then when you add in the haggling, it’s a hard pass.

I’m just not a haggler. I don’t have any talent for it. When someone wants to debate a price I cave immediately. As in, “Sure whatever you want. You know what? Just take it. No charge. It’s yours.”

Safe to say I would be the worst used car salesperson ever.

If I want to get rid of something I either donate it or put it in my yard with a sign that says “free.” Not to brag but my personal best in getting free items whisked away from the curb was under four minutes. Even my husband was impressed.

Recently, the neighborhoods in my area had their annual garage sales, and while I was relieved I wasn’t participating, it didn’t stop me from doing some covert lookie-looing.

Walking my dog made excellent cover for my snooping. Better yet I didn’t even have to leave the sidewalk to get an eyeful. I would do a brief pause, scan the area, formulate some observations and move on.

My most compelling observation concerned a large family portrait that was for sale. It was in a fancy frame (I was getting Versailles vibes), and featured a lovely family, circa 1980s I’m guessing. But WTH? Why and how did it get tossed into the garage sale pile?

For the love of genealogy, couldn’t it just have been passed on to another member of the family or lived out its life in the basement? Why condemn it to a garage sale?

I know someone will probably buy it for the frame alone, but good God, what will happen to the family portrait? The trash or worse? I listen to four different murder podcasts a week, so I know it could get into the hands of a serial killer and be used as a template for unspeakable horrors.

This isn’t the first time I’ve seen family portraits in garage sales, and each time it makes me shudder. This is why I’m pleased to share that my family has never had a professional portrait made. There is no 20-by-30 photograph in a gilded frame of Mom, Dad and two kids in my home.

Sure, I have loads of family photos, but not one that’s ever going to end up in a garage sale being sold for its frame.

Another real head-scratcher: Who would sell a KitchenAid stand mixer — like ever? You die with your mixer and then it gets bequeathed to a worthy family member. (And by this I mean not to someone who consistently only volunteers to bring napkins to Thanksgiving.)

I feel like I’m speaking for all KitchenAid mixers when I say that selling that appliance at a garage sale is an insult to its dignity, its work ethic (think of all the cookies it has mixed) and its contribution to your family’s culinary experience. For shame, I say, for shame.

As I looped through the different neighborhoods with my dog. I observed something else odd and compelling: Many of the houses having garage sales are the same homes that always have their curtains closed.

During many dog walks I have wondered why. Are they sunshine adverse? Are they fixated on privacy? Or are they hiding something?

When I gifted my husband with this brain teaser his answer was, “Yes, they’re hiding . . . from people like you.”

Rude but perhaps incredibly accurate because people like me can turn garage sale items into intricate psychological profiles of their neighbors.

Reach Sherry Kuehl at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com, on Facebook at Snarky in the Suburbs @snarkynsuburbs, on Instagram @snarky.in.the.suburbs, and snarkyinthesuburbs.com.