Mysteries in the parking lot: She’d like answers as to why car cuddlers are ‘a thing’

Do you ever have those nights when you can’t sleep and your brain goes to what I call befuddling conundrums?

One thing I fear is permanently lodged in my brain is “parking space cuddlers.” These are the people who, for some inexplicable reason, will park right next to you, even though there are hundreds of open spaces in the parking lot.

I like to park far away from the melee. I don’t mind a brisk walk to the front door of any establishment.

But in one of life’s great mysteries, it doesn’t matter how far away I park, when I come out of a store, someone is almost always parked next to me. There could basically be an empty parking lot, with plenty of open spaces conveniently located to the front entrance, and yet I’ve got a next-door neighbor.

This has mystified me so much that I’ve actually done research on why this happens. One of the reasons given for this is called a “subconscious competitiveness” where a driver feels the need to “claim” a space close to another car.

I have so many thoughts. First and most important is WTH?

Coming in second is that this shouldn’t be labeled “subconscious competitiveness.” Let’s call it what it really is: being a huge jerk. Because why else would someone in an almost deserted parking lot choose to cuddle up next to another car that’s parked a bit of a walk from the store’s entrance?

In an attempt to further my research, I posed this question on social media. Granted it’s not as if I asked it at a genius symposium, and the answers I received proved that.

Exhibit A would be when people said that perhaps I was parking in the “employee area.”

My response to that is a solid no. I don’t think I’m going through life somehow always parking in an employee area. I would say with certainty that I don’t possess inherent “employee parking” radar.

Exhibit B was when people said that they do this because they feel safer parking right next to another car.

This alarmed me because did these folks never experience any “stranger danger” training? I spent my formative years being scared to death at the school assemblies where a police officer would tell you the 10 surefire ways to get abducted.

Then there were after-school TV specials about kidnapping, and worse than all of those was your mom telling you that every time you walked out of your house you could die, so you’d better say “I love you.”

All of this “training” taught me that you never go out of your way to park next to another vehicle. Most especially if it’s a van of any kind. To this day, whenever I see a white van I shudder.

What truly saddens me, besides thinking how many jerks, excuse me, I meant “subconscious competitiveness” people there are in the world is that THIS is what I think about at night. (Along with why are there crumbs in your silverware drawer when it’s full of clean silverware? Seriously, where are those crumbs coming from?)

One would hope that at the very least I would be pondering life on other planets or why lip oil was invented? We have lipstick, lip gloss and lip balm — just why on lip oil?

So maybe one night when you can’t sleep, you might ponder parking space cuddlers. It will make me feel better knowing I’m not the only one thinking about this. Oh, and if you come up with an answer, please let me know.

Reach Sherry Kuehl at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com, on Facebook at Snarky in the Suburbs @snarkynsuburbs, on Instagram @snarky.in.the.suburbs, and snarkyinthesuburbs.com.

This story was originally published February 12, 2025 at 5:00 AM.