It only takes a holiday tune-in to understand ChatGPT has been around for a while

I know everyone is all abuzz about ChatGPT, but honestly I think it’s been around for years and we’re just now being told about it. The basis for my hypothesis is holiday movies.

The Hallmark feel goods, the Amazon Prime jingle jangles, the Netflix holly jollies, the stuff over on Great American Country: It’s all a cut and paste of every holiday movie that’s ever been on the Hallmark Channel, sometimes even featuring the same actors. It’s a collection of movies that are so basic and formulaic, I know they had to be written by our ChatGPT overlords.

I even think the instructions (or would it be computer code?) were to write a holiday movie so bland that you can look at your phone the entire time and still not lose a millisecond of the plot. Or those directions could be to write a holiday movie that requires the minimal amount of thought process so it can serve as background noise while you clean house.

Then I’m sure there was a trope checklist, and coming in at number one had to be the main character owns a Christmas tree farm and looks like the dude on the Brawny paper towels — facial hair optional.

I’ve actually known two Christmas tree farmers, and like most jobs in agriculture it’s hard work. Work that leaves little time for sleigh rides, hot cocoa parties and leisurely afternoons spent ice skating and browsing an outdoor holiday fair while enjoying a peppermint mocha with extra whipped cream and sprinkles.

The next can’t-miss trope is that Santa Claus, who’s got to be massively busy (it’s December, duh), still manages to schedule time to visit quaint snow-covered towns with delightfully robust main streets to play matchmaker. His specialty is finding the frazzled, high-powered urban woman executive, a charming country boy to settle down with and work together on a — you guessed it — Christmas tree farm.

Personally, my favorite trope is when a bakery that’s been in the family for years is about to go out of business. The bakery is usually saved by, that’s right — a frazzled, high-powered woman executive who comes home to save the day and, yep, falls in love with the Christmas tree farmer. Or there’s a baking competition where the grand prize money will rescue the bakery from foreclosure. The twist is to win the competition the bakery owner (usually a woman) has to go head-to-head against her first love who’s now a celebrity chef.

Can they reconnect and find romance while they’re up to their elbows in gingerbread dough? Will Santa show up and use his holiday cheer to get these two together? Will they fall in love, save the bakery and open up a Christmas tree farm as a side hustle? Not to spoil the plot for you but the answers are yes, yes and yes.

I shared my research (in case you’re giving me side-eye for using the word research, I will pivot to calling it musings) with some friends and most of them agreed with me or at least pretended to. But then the devil’s advocate in the group, (there’s always one) said that only humans could write something so “incredibly banal and derivative.”

That made me sad because I wanted to blame the lackluster quality of holiday movies on the robots. (Full disclosure: Blaming the robots is my new favorite go to.) I guess to prove my point I should write a holiday movie.]

The problem is I think I would really want to include a Christmas tree farm — and who doesn’t love a matchmaking Santa.

Reach Sherry Kuehl at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com, on Facebook at Snarky in the Suburbs, on Twitter at @snarkynsuburbs on Instagram @snarky.in.the.suburbs, and snarkyinthesuburbs.com.