Mistletoe and fruitcake? Let’s kick those to a curb and bring back Christmas caroling

Every year as a way to gear up for the holiday frenzy, I start going through all of my Christmas cookbooks and decorating magazines for seasonal inspiration. This year, though, the books prompted some contemplation, and it wasn’t about the peppermint hot cocoa cookie recipe I found.

Well, that’s not true. Probably 20% of my thoughts were about those cookies. How could they not be? These treats have a marshmallow creme center.

Cookie musing aside, my primary thought was that many holiday traditions have changed dramatically. For example, who hangs mistletoe anymore?

I actually have a distant childhood memory of going to a neighbor’s party with my parents in the ’70s where mistletoe was hanging in the foyer. As soon as my mom saw it, she warned me to avoid walking by it. When I asked her why, she said it “attracted reprobates.”

She wasn’t wrong. Apparently, this neighbor had an uncle who camped out by the mistletoe all night in an attempt to “steal a kiss.” After the party, my mom announced that mistletoe should be outlawed. She was almost right. Mistletoe wasn’t outlawed, but that kind of behavior today would get you arrested.

Another thing that perplexes me is caroling. Does anyone go caroling through their neighborhood? If you were so inclined to “come a-caroling, among the leaves so green” it probably wouldn’t be to the actual occupant of the house but their doorbell camera.

That’s not to say you still couldn’t put on a good show. A lot of doorbell cameras record in high definition, so it would be like leaving a video gift for your neighbors.

Hmm, now that I’ve thought about it more, you can even add in some choreography. Singing “Jingle Bell Rock” while busting some moves — going all out with jazz hands and maybe adding in a shimmy — sounds epic.

Wow, I think I’ve just convinced myself to go caroling. Neighbors get your doorbell camera ready: I’m going to be spreading some major holiday cheer, one jazz hand and shimmy at a time.

As I continued meandering through my newer Christmas cookbooks, I saw recipe after recipe for “improved” or “updated” fruitcake and eggnog recipes. OK folks, maybe it’s time to finally let the fruitcake go. Only a very small number of people still enjoy it.

Sure, you can attempt to modernize the fruitcake, but it’s still going to be the least favorite Christmas dessert. When songs are written about how scary fruitcake is (consider “The Everlasting Fruitcake” performed at pretty much every elementary school holiday choir concert), you know it’s time to let the fruitcake gently ride off into the candied and dried fruit sunset.

Now I realize some people are going to tell me I’m so wrong about fruitcake and the secret to a good recipe is to add more booze. Which is also what people say about eggnog. Another holiday treat that is ... well, I was going to say icky, but in the spirit of the season I’ll change that to a vicious slog of a beverage.

If the only way you can find a holiday treat edible is if it’s doused with copious amounts of alcohol, maybe that’s a hint that it’s truly awful.

Oh well, maybe they’ll both have a renaissance. I, for one, now plan to single-handedly bring back caroling, updated for 2023 with some stellar dance moves. People will want to jump all over this. Just think of all those doorbell camera videos going viral.

Reach Sherry Kuehl at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com, on Facebook at Snarky in the Suburbs, on Twitter at @snarkynsuburbs on Instagram @snarky.in.the.suburbs, and snarkyinthesuburbs.com.