Want to needlessly draw attention to an older woman’s age? Just use these two words

I took my mother for a bite to eat after her doctor appointment. It had been an OK-ish afternoon as far as medical excursions go, so a late lunch at a favorite spot was a natural way to decompress after the task.

Then, it happened. The server brought us waters and said to my mother, “Hello young lady. Would you like a straw?”

What’s wrong with that question? Hint: It has nothing to do with the great straw debate.

Maybe I’m an overthinker, but nah. I myself have been a card-carrying AARP member for an already shocking clip of time, and I have also had strangers refer to me as “young lady.” It happens more than I prefer. Sometimes I simply respond with, “I am not young.”

Let’s break this down. You are minding your own business, going about life, maybe trying to solve some big problems. You finally go somewhere for a little break. Then (I will kindly assume) a well-meaning person points out your age with that flip-flop phrase.

When you are far from young and others immediately call you young, the subtext is “Hey, you’re an older person, and that’s the main thing I see.” To break it down even more, when you address a middle-age and beyond human as young, you might be implying it’s wrong to be older.

I have been young, and I will never forget how early life brings its own struggles. I wouldn’t trade my year-to-year forward time travel to go back. The older you get, the more of a clever survivor you are. Catalogs of experiences and life lessons are priceless and worth sharing, not erasing.

There are so many other ways to greet strangers. A simple, “Hi there, friend” would do. I don’t even mind, “Howdy, hon,” which might be regional and throwback but way better than “Hello, young lady.” I interpret the latter as an awkwardly veiled version of “Yo, geezer.”

It’s worth saying here I have rarely if ever overheard a 50-plus male being addressed with, “Good evening, young man!”

Why is that?

But sometimes it’s not even the words. It’s the tone. A few surprise injuries have landed me in physical therapy in recent years. One of the therapists was actually instructing me with the kind of sing-song praise you’d hear bouncing off the walls at a preschool. Instead of constantly enduring a forced high pitch, “Yay, you made it to a count of 20!” I would have preferred a blunt Joe Pesci type saying, “Freakin’ awesome, now let’s do the damn stretches so you can get outta here.”

During that particular healing phase, it took me a few sessions to realize why I was grudgingly trudging through the parking lot to get to each appointment. I was in pain and feeling like I was walking into an old “Barney & Friends” episode.

It’s this pile-on of such subtle daily interactions that can add up to a feeling of being judged.

Like hearing the old, “You look great…for your age!” Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk: for your age. Thank you?

Maybe all of this would have faded off my radar, but that day at lunch, at the end of the meal, the server came back and asked my mother, “Would you like a dessert, young lady?” A double YL in one outing. Icing on the cake.

I was generous with the tip regardless, because that’s what I do. The server was working hard in a demanding job. Facing the public when forks and spoons are involved is never easy. I know, because I worked in food service back when I was an actual young lady. And anyway, the reverse-age terminology habit happens everywhere else including retail, medical and social situations.

Perhaps this whole thing is a peccadillo in my own head. But an informal survey with my peers indicates maybe not. I just hope more people will learn to say, “hello, friend” instead.

Reach Denise Snodell at stripmalltree@gmail.com.