Family took in a near-stranger who was down on his luck. Here’s what they learned

Over the summer, my son told us about a 22-year-old friend of a friend who needed a place to stay. I explained that we would certainly want to help the young man in some way, but it would require discussion, a plan, guidelines and clear expectations. We said we would explore options that did not include him staying in our home.

Within days, the kid and his gigantic dog were staying in our home. This was not because my husband and I agreed to inviting him in, nor was it part of a laid-out plan with expectations. The place he’d been staying flooded, and he seemed to have two options: live on the streets or in our basement.

Our new foster man was shy and introverted, beaten down by life. He quietly crept through the house to come and go, trying not to disturb us. It was like having a ghost. A ghost with car troubles and a big, slobbery dog who loved everyone and could hop our fence like a kangaroo.

His predicament, and the length of his stay at our home, were the results of very bad luck. So bad that it suggested supernatural meddling. I imagined a voodoo doll of him out there, found by a child who used it as an action figure in demolition derbies, who threw it to his dog in games of catch and tug-of-war, then the stole the voodoo doll and shook it, then perhaps dropped it in the toilet.

We watched him get knocked down again and again. Car troubles; his belongings were stolen from his car; he’d show up for a job interview, just to find out that the position had been filled and they hadn’t bothered to cancel his appointment; more car troubles, including two flat tires within two hours of each other.

Each time he got knocked down, it seemed to suck a bit more out of him. We’d poke him with a proverbial stick, wondering if he was going to move, wondering if he had the will to get back up.

We agreed upon a goal month for moving out, allowing him several months to find a job, get things in order, save some money, find a place. Each of those steps took longer than expected and required a little coaching. But in good faith, he followed advice, took the steps, and moved out ahead of schedule.

It’s fair to say we took a bit of a gamble on this man. Some observers thought he was a freeloader, warning us he’d never move out if we made it too easy. Others pointed out that at least some of his misfortune stemmed from choices he’d made. They suggested that he didn’t show enough motivation, that he needed to be pushed — or even kicked out “so he can rise up.” They asked if he acted entitled. I observed that some people categorize those in need as “deserving” or “undeserving” of assistance.

Here’s the thing. One usually does not arrive at the threshold of homelessness after making all great choices and deftly handling challenges. Stress builds and fatigue and hopelessness set in. My son observed, “He’s so poor that he can only get poorer,” a lesson about the trap of poverty that I hope will stick with him.

This young man needed to rest, to feel secure, to take a break from worrying. I hoped that with a little recuperation time, he could revive his gumption. He needed to believe that the cycle of bad luck could be broken. Little by little, it happened.

We would not have sought out this scenario, and many times we asked ourselves how on earth we ended up with a virtual stranger depending on us for several months.

But as a family, we know that we shared what we had, helped a kid get back on his feet, asking nothing in return. But we got plenty in return, a spare family member — and one we’ll welcome as long as he needs us. Hopefully he’ll keep coming back even after he doesn’t need us.

Emily Parnell lives in Overland Park and can be reached at emily@emilyjparnell.com.

This story was originally published January 4, 2023 at 8:00 AM with the headline "Family took in a near-stranger who was down on his luck. Here’s what they learned."