Emily Parnell: Having a thicker skin, and a sense of humor, can serve you well in life

Sometimes I think my husband and I should start calling each other names — rude insults. And we should do it right in front of our children. And then we should laugh at each other. And then we should laugh together.

It may sound like a crazy parenting plan, but I feel like my kids need to grow a thicker skin. They’ve come home from school in tears because someone insulted them. Insults hurt, and they can certainly warrant tears. I’m not minimizing their hurt — but being able to let someone else’s inflamed mood roll off your skin is a useful skill, one that will serve you well in life.

We’re very careful about raising our kids these days, and we’ve come to understand that a child’s delicate psyche is no laughing matter. With expert advice just a mouse click away, a new way of parenting has evolved. We nurture their self-esteem, are cognizant of their anxiety and strive to provide them an environment of emotional safety. I’ve made my choice to join this school of parenting, but I sometimes wonder if we’re sucking some of their humor right out of them.

Kids are being raised in a zero-tolerance environment. Name-calling is a capital offense. Should it be? Probably. The mean kind should, but we’re losing friendly banter by the wayside.

I think back to my younger days. I had a neighbor — a friend — who would call me “Fimco.” This is an undefined word that he morphed out of my name. I never felt like he was being nice when he called me Fimco, either. I recall him saying it over and over to me, and my gut twisting in sadness. My friend was calling me a name. I didn’t run and tattle; I didn’t cry, either, because I could figure out that the name meant nothing — he was just saying it to bug me — or maybe he just liked saying it. And now, as an adult, I smile when I remember him having a pet name just to bug me with.

My own kids would not hold up so well. They’ve crumbled when friends have insulted them with “doof” and “silly.” And holy moly, if someone says a real live four-letter word, watch out, there’s a storm of emotions a-comin’. Thank goodness these things happen — otherwise, I’d never have a chance to work through these problems with my child.

“How would you feel if someone called you that?” they ask me, incensed and sad.

“Well,” I tell them, “if it was one of my friends, I’d laugh.”

These days, my own friends — my very best friends — will occasionally call me a name, or I’ll call them one. Jaws drop, and we hoot and holler. We all laugh — no feelings hurt. It’s a sign that our friendship is strong. We know we care about each other, and respect each other, and that, without doubt, it will be received as a joke. It becomes a compliment — a sign of affection.

There are three lessons I hope my kids will learn. The first two, I’ll try to teach them. The last one has not yet found a spot in my parenting curriculum.

1. When someone tries to point out something negative about you, all they’re really doing is exposing an ugly side of themselves. Mean-spirited name calling is really about the person saying the name.

2. Letting a mean name bounce off our skin is the best way to handle these things. Just because someone tries to hurt us doesn’t mean we have to let them succeed.

3. Name calling can be great fun. When everyone’s laughing, when we all know we love each other, then it’s just bantering. But it only works when there’s no doubt we’ll be misunderstood — and therein lies the difficulty.

I guess as kids, there was more trial and error. Names flew around like “fink” and “weirdo.” We had to be tough. We had to work it out on our own. Many times, feelings were hurt — and I will never minimize the reality of a stepped-on emotion. I was a sensitive kid. But today, I can confidently recite “Stick and stones…”

So, if you happen to catch me calling my husband “jerk face,” know it’s a sign of affection, all in the name of showing my kids that words only have the power we give them.

This story was originally published October 7, 2014 at 2:57 PM with the headline "Emily Parnell: Having a thicker skin, and a sense of humor, can serve you well in life."