What is Tristan’s secret? You tell us in Chapter 5 of ‘Fifty Shades of Hay’

Tristan Hay! No not that! How awful! Or shocking! Or unbelievable! Or hilarious!

It’s time for our reader-written parody, “Fifty Shades of Hay,” to reveal the unusual thing going on inside our hero’s drop-dead-gorgeous head. Or at his fabulous ranch. Or at his meatastic restaurants. We don’t know, but you do! Heat up that keyboard and send us your parodic and pun-laced Chapter 5: Tristan’s Secret Exposed.

Submit the winning installment by Thursday morning and collect prizes.

Now that our caricatured characters, the enticing Fantasia Irons and gazillionaire Tristan Hay, are full on-again, some outrageous plot device awaits. In the original “Fifty Shades of Grey,” main dude Christian Grey leads a secret sex life that goes beyond, well, you know, goes beyond. He lures main dudette Anastasia Steel into his kinky world.

We’ve established that you, dear readers, as whip-smart writers, can do better, summoning your powers of satire, sarcasm, silliness — even alliteration. Your Chapter 5 should take its cues from the story thus far, which is available here.

Keep your PG-rated chapter to about 600 words and no more than 800. Email the entry to starfyi@gmail.com with “Fifty Shades, Chapter 5” in the subject line. Include your name, hometown and daytime telephone number. The deadline is 8 a.m. Thursday. We’ll publish the winner on Saturday.

Next we’ll ask for entries for the sixth and final installment, to appear Feb. 7, before the “Fifty Shades” movie hits theaters. Each chapter winner will receive a $20 AMC Theatres gift certificate and movie memorabilia.

This story was originally published January 26, 2015 at 1:12 PM with the headline "What is Tristan’s secret? You tell us in Chapter 5 of ‘Fifty Shades of Hay’."