The Golden Globes were so right and oh so wrong

“You’ve always been very kind to me,” George Clooney told the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, which has nominated Clooney in more Golden Globe categories than any person.
“You’ve always been very kind to me,” George Clooney told the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, which has nominated Clooney in more Golden Globe categories than any person. AP

Two words sum up Sunday night’s Golden Globes: George Clooney.

As the winner of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association’s annual Cecil B. DeMille Award, Clooney took the stage in the last 45 minutes of the three-hour love-fest and referenced every hot button of the night.

The bloody massacre of the Charlie Hebdo journalists in France. The Hollywood email hacking scandal that left many in Tinseltown red-faced and gobsmacked. And, most importantly, his own wedding last year that put his new wife, Amal, on the red carpet for the first time.

(Maybe it was just us, but did not the new Mrs. Clooney look alternately bored and bothered all night?)

“It’s always fun to come and catch up with old friends, and now that we’ve seen that everybody’s been hacked, it’s also a good chance to meet face-to-face and apologize for all the snarky things we’ve said about each other,” Clooney said to light laughter. (Go figure.)

Clooney almost let a tear fall when he referenced his “pretty good year.”

“It’s a humbling thing when you find someone to love, even better if you’ve been waiting your whole life. And when your whole life is 53 years,” he said. “Amal, whatever alchemy it is that brought us together, I couldn’t be more proud to be your husband.”

Cut to Mrs. Clooney, who actually managed to crack a smile.

Here are other highlights of the night:

The opening monologue: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, in their third and what they say is their final hosting gig, kept the zingers coming. They started off calling the audience “You bunch of despicable, spoiled, minimally talented brats,” moved on to trash the North Korea farce “The Interview,” veered off to play a game of “Would You Rather …” (Colin Farrell or Colin Firth? Etc.) and stepped over the line imitating Bill Cosby. Then again, this was the Golden Globes, and that line was crossed long ago.

Racist much? Fey and Poehler introduced comedian Margaret Cho as “Cho Yung J,” or something like that. She was supposed to be a North Korean journalist but was dressed in a soldier’s uniform and spoke with an exaggerated, mock-Korean accent. Even worse, she walked off the stage doing a goose step. Yes we know that Cho is of Asian descent. But it’s still not funny.

Girl crush: Patricia Arquette — who won supporting actress for “Boyhood,” the night’s big winner — acknowledged her fellow nominees, including Meryl Streep. “Thank you for giving me a hug,” Arquette gushed to Streep. “I hope your DNA transferred.”

Bring Ricky Gervais back! Taking his turn on the stage, the former Golden Globes host walked out with a glass of wine in one hand, and we knew it was going to be good. And it was.

“It’s going well, isn’t it. Let’s not ruin it by me saying anything, really,” he said to loud laughter. “No one wants to see me insult any of you rich, beautiful, overpriviledged celebrities. No ordinary people at home want to see that because you’re better than ordinary people. And you know it and they know it, deep down. …

“So I’m not going to start picking on things you’ve done. Some of it immoral. A lot of it illegal. But if you’ve learned one thing it’s that famous people are above the law, as it should be.

“The terrible things you’ve done to get here tonight. Streep. Clooney. I’m not even lookin’ at Katie Holmes.”

They shouldn’t let her do comedy. Here’s the problem with using Katie Holmes as a straight woman, Seth Meyers. She has no comedic timing. Their bit together about losers getting gift certificates for the breakfast buffet at the Beverly Hills Hilton left us cold, primarily because Holmes was stiff as a day-old waffle.

Cracked us up: “Mom” star Anna Faris and “Parks and Recreation” star Chris Pratt joked about their real-life marriage. “People don’t know this but we have a mixed marriage,” Faris said. “I’m CBS, he’s NBC.” “But we plan to raise our children HBO,” said Pratt.

Does anyone watch it? The Showtime series “The Affair” beat “Downton Abbey,” “Game of Thrones,” “The Good Wife” and “House of Cards” for best TV drama. So that’s where Maura Tierney is working these days.

Worst speech: Amy Adams, who won best actress for “Big Eyes,” apologized for not having a prepared speech. “To say I am ill-prepared for this moment is a huge understatement,” she said. “I didn’t even reapply lip gloss.” Then she started rambling about her child and some woman at home pregnant with twins. She should have written something down.

Je suis unimpressed: Jared Leto and George Clooney both spoke the French phrase “Je suis Charlie” from the stage, meaning “I am Charlie,” a reference to the shootings in Paris.

But according to The Hollywood Reporter, people were handing out “Je suis Charlie” buttons and posters on the red carpet to create photo opps.

Best use of Botox: Former “9 to 5” co-stars Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin looked incredibly fresh-and-smooth-faced.

Favorite speech of the night: We get excited when the elegant Maggie Gyllenhaal is nominated for anything because she gives great speeches. She did not disappoint while accepting for “The Honorable Woman.”

“I’ve noticed a lot of people talking about the wealth of roles for powerful women in television lately. And when I look around the room at the women who are in here and I think about the performances that I’ve seen this year, what I’ve seen actually are women who are sometimes powerful and sometimes not. Sometimes sexy, sometimes not. Sometimes honorable, sometimes not.

“And what I think is new is the role of women for actual women in television and film. That’s what I think is revolutionary and evolutionary and it’s what’s turning me on.”

Worst presenters: Katherine Heigl and David Duchovny. No one laughed at their jokes. And was he even awake? (Is he ever?) At least he didn’t look at her breasts.

What did they beep? Kevin Spacey finally took home an award for “House of Cards.” “This is the eighth time I’ve been nominated. I can’t (bleep) one,” he said as cameras cut to shocked looks in the crowds. Any lip-readers out there?

Quick, Google him: “Birdman” winner Michael Keaton made us and just about everyone else cry when he talked about his hardworking parents who cared for him and his six siblings in a rundown farmhouse. “My best friend is kind, intelligent, funny, talented, considerate, thoughtful,” he said, breaking down into tears. “He also happens to be my son, Sean. I love you with all my heart, buddy.”

Winfrey who? Fey and Poehler thought they were being clever when they introduced presenter Oprah Winfrey as “a woman who is known by one name. Winfrey.” Crickets. The intro music didn’t start. “Please welcome, Oprah Winfrey,” Poehler said as the band finally began to play.

Did we mention that this was their last year as hosts?

To reach Lisa Gutierrez, call 816-234-4987 or send email to lgutierrez@kcstar.com.

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