Red Zone

No standing pat: Why we don’t like the New England Patriots

When Tom Brady isn’t on the football scene, he can often be seen with his wife, Gisele Bündchen.
When Tom Brady isn’t on the football scene, he can often be seen with his wife, Gisele Bündchen. Evan Agostini/Invision/AP

We’ve been licking our chops for this one. Oh yeah.

Seriously, who couldn’t pen an entire special section on why we don’t like Tom Brady? Furry Ugg boots. Pretty-boy good looks. The simple fact he gets to go home to Gisele Bündchen every night for a post-practice massage. But we digress.

Instead, we’ll confine our hatred of the Patriots (you’d think we have an anger-management problem or something) to this week’s Five Things.

Without further adieu, here our top five reasons to despise the pride of New England.

1. Tommy Terrific

C’mon, man, you didn’t think we were just going to ignore Mister Perfect, did you? This guy goes from being a nobody sixth-rounder out of Michigan to quarterbacking an NFL dynasty to three Super Bowl championships. Of course he got the Brazilian model to fall for him. We just threw up in our mouths.

2. The Hoodie

Bill Belichick might be a genius play-caller, but if there’s a more smug character in today’s NFL, we’re sure we haven’t met him. He runs his program like a Stalinist gulag. And he never smiles. And, seriously, what’s with the hooded sweatshirts, Pops?

3. Patriot Way

Fellow Kansas Citians, you’re excused for having had your fill of the Patriots’ supposed can’t-miss mystique. Rememeber how Scott Pioli came here expecting to make this Gillette West? What a bunch of candy wrappers that turned out to be.

4. Bawston Fans

As if the accents weren’t enough, these people still revel in a remarkable decade of success (as they’re happy to remind you). In the 2000s, Boston’s pro teams claimed eight championships: three each by the Pats and Sox and one apiece by the Celtics and Bruins. In 2011, when the Bruins won the Stanley Cup, Boston teams owned all of the four major crowns (NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL) at once.

5. Trippy Tight Ends

We rather dig the fact that Rob Gronkowski’s a good ol’ bro partier who’s known to sport a K-State tee now and again (his younger sib plays for Bill Snyder). But this Aaron Hernandez cat, what the &*%^$#? It’s one thing to pal around with porn starlets and let teens take Jell-O shots off your six-pack; it’s another entirely to be accused of multiple murders.