He can beat you with his rifle arm, or his rocket legs, but he refuses to use his laser vision in public.
Other rich and famous athletes ask for his autograph, even after he has humiliated them.
His Wikipedia entries have never been inaccurate.
When he is interviewed on television, he is speaking directly to you.
He knows the last digit of pi.
If you were to try to tackle him, the air you grasped would smell like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
He once won a punt, pass and kick competition, without using a ball.
When he calls time-out, the Earth stops rotating.
His awkward-looking slides are actually fundamentally perfect.
He owns several NFL records, which he plays on his turntable to relax.
He does not send Christmas cards. They send themselves.
They say he once got a concussion, then helped the trainers understand the meaning of life.
If he played soccer, Americans would watch.
You cannot say the word “victory” without uttering his name.
When he is penalized, the opposing team loses yardage.
School children have recited his snap counts as historic speeches.
When he scrambles, he can see the imaginary yellow first-down line.
When he calls plays in the huddle, all his teammates hear is “I’ll find you.”
His fantasy owners have already won next weekend’s championship game.
It was he who let the dogs out.
He is the most interesting man in Fantasyland.
Says he: “I don’t always play fantasy football. But when I do, I prefer to start only myself.”
Stay sportsy, my friends.
Free agent picks and pans
As you head into championship weekend, your starting roster should be fairly settled. But a little tweaking here or there, if only to keep your competition from improving, might still be in order. Here’s a look at a few players that could next weekend, and some that won’t.
Catch 'em while you canTim Tebow, QB, Broncos.
He racked up a passing and rushing touchdown in his first road start, and he will face the Texans’ historically inept secondary in his much-anticipated Mile High debut Sunday. Kyle Orton is not expected to return, even if healthy. If Knowshon Moreno’s rib injury keeps him sidelined, Tebow could again be Denver’s leading rusher. In leagues that start two QBs, the rookie is worth a look.
Michael Bush, RB, Raiders.
Though Darren McFadden is the team’s most explosive tailback, Bush has emerged as the goal-line specialist. He’s scored three times over the past three weeks, and he’ll be facing Indy’s porous run defense next weekend.
Vincent Jackson, WR, Chargers.
He is a free agent in roughly a third of all fantasy leagues. After his three-TD performance last Thursday, you can bet your opponents’ waiver-wire claims are already locked in.
Don’t be fooledMatt Flynn, QB, Packers.
He exceeded expectations in his first start, but Aaron Rodgers is likely to return in Week 16. Even if Flynn gets another chance, the unfavorable matchup with the Giants makes him an overly risky play.
Rex Grossman, QB, Redskins.
Go ahead. Make your opponent’s day.
Lance Ball, RB, Broncos.
After Moreno left the game early, Ball took 15 handoffs. Unfortunately, the undrafted rookie accumulated just 20 yards. Correll Buckhalter ran for a whopping three yards on six carries. In other words, avoid all Denver backs not named Moreno.
Dan Carpenter, K, Dolphins.
He missed all four of his field goal attempts Sunday, any of which could have saved the day for Miami. Though each was from 48 or more yards out, Carpenter may have trouble shaking off this disaster. You don’t need a kicker with the yips in your title matchup.
Ladd Biro is a syndicated fantasy football columnist and host of Sporting News Radio’s weekly Fantasy Files show (Saturdays, 8-9 am CT). Follow his daily fantasy advice at the Fantasy Fools blog (fantasy-fools.blogspot.com) and via Twitter (@ladd_biro).