The president of the United States thinks you’re very, very, very, very, very … (please imagine the word “very” an additional 40 to 50 times) … very, very stupid.
That president is Donald Trump. At least, I think his name is Donald Trump. It’s quite possible he’s lying about that, as he seems to lie about virtually everything, sometimes twice in one sentence. Now that I think about it, we should probably ask to see his birth certificate.
Anyway, let’s assume “Trump” is correct — the correct name, I mean, as the man himself is virtually never correct — and return to my original point: He thinks you’re stupid. Dumb as a doughnut. A dunderhead. A Grade-A blinkard.
You remember Monday’s remarkably disgraceful press conference with Russian President Vladimir Putin? The one where Trump hung America’s intelligence agencies out to dry by suggesting their assessment that Russia meddled in the 2016 election might be wrong because Putin said it’s wrong?
Sign Up and Save
Get six months of free digital access to The Kansas City Star
That was super disgraceful and embarrassing for America, but Trump told you it was a huge success because he thinks you’re stupid.
Then he turned around Tuesday and tried to fix his super disgraceful and embarrassing butt-kissing of Putin by saying — get this — he misspoke.
My lord, that man thinks you’re dumb.
At the press conference, Trump spoke of Putin’s denial of election interference: “He just said it’s not Russia. I will say this: I don’t see any reason why it would be.”
Tuesday’s walk-back — which came after more than 24 hours of intense bipartisan criticism and, presumably, extensive strategizing on the part of an administration in full damage-control mode — was this: “The sentence should have been, ‘I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be Russia.’ Sort of a double negative. So you can put that in, and I think that probably clarifies things pretty good by itself.”
Excuse me for a second.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAAAAAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA AAAAAAYOUMUSTBE KIDDINGME!!!!
The best approach Trump and his people could come up with to fix this crisis was: He meant to say “wouldn’t,” not “would.” I don’t know how much of our tax money Trump is paying his crack communications team, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that each and every one of them thinks you’re dumb as paint.
Because any creature a notch or two above a single-cell organism could see Trump’s excuse was about as believable as suggesting the moon is made of cheese. (Fact check: It’s not.)
Not only was it preposterous on its face — we’re expected to believe Trump made a wildly consequential misstatement and then spent a day sending tweets and doing two Fox News interviews without correcting it — but it didn’t even come close to clearing up all the other damaging stuff Trump said during the press conference.
The Associated Press noted that “the scripted cleanup pertained only to the least defensible of his comments. He didn’t reverse other statements in which he gave clear credence to Putin’s ‘extremely strong and powerful' denial of Russian involvement, raised doubts about his own intelligence agencies’ conclusions and advanced discredited conspiracy theories about election meddling.”
And do you want to know why the scripted cleanup did so little actual cleaning up? Because Trump thinks you’re just enough of a blockhead to hear him begrudgingly say he misspoke and think, “Oh, OK, well that certainly clears up that international crisis. Well done, sir!”
Some Republicans in Congress lived down to Trump’s expectations and accepted what was arguably the worst attempt to move on from a controversy since the invention of controversy. They muttered some version of, “Well, I have to take him at his word.”
“Taking Trump as his word” will soon be the second entry in the dictionary definition of “insanity.”
But those are congressional Republicans. They'll believe anything for a few rubles or the promise of corporate tax cuts.
No, Trump was stammering out his pseudo-correction for your ears. He thinks you'll listen to his would-vs.-wouldn’t explanation — wrapped in a statement in which he accepted that Russia interfered with our election and then immediately added: “It could be other people also” — and be convinced that all is well and the very stable genius in charge is definitely not disturbingly deferential to a murderous Russian dictator who hates America.
Why does he believe you'll accept all this? Because he thinks that when they were handing out smarts, you got an extra helping of dimwittedness.
He thinks you'll believe anything because you’re dumber than a day-old gallon of gravy.
That’s the only explanation for Trump’s lame attempt to repair the damage he did in Helsinki. He thinks so little of you that he bets you'll buy his impotent lie.
He thinks you’re stupid.
So here’s my suggestion: Prove him wrong.