Inside the mind of U.S. Sen. Pat Roberts, maybe...
Today is a pretty good day. A couple hundred folks came to see me at my rally in Dodge City, and not one of them was ignorant enough to mention my recliner.
If I had time, and I don’t, I might wonder how everything went so wrong. All I wanted was one more term in the U.S. Senate, to go back to my committees, make a couple of grouchy floor speeches and continue to declare Obamacare to be the worst thing that’s happened to this country since we got Medicare. Which I might need to get on pretty soon, by the way, if I lose this race.
Now everybody is mad at me. The Washington folks came barging in here like some kind of calvary, taking over my campaign, firing my manager, complaining about having to spend all this money to bail me out in Kansas.
One of those snooty D.C. journalists said today that if I lose I’ll be “the most hated man in Republican politics,” since it would probably blow our chance to get the Senate majority. That sounds bad, like I might not even be able to land a lobbying contract or something.
They don’t understand. Nobody understands. None of what is happening here is my fault.
They saw what a creepy primary opponent I had. Milton Wolf, ugh. Stalking me all around Kansas, trying to get me to debate. Bringing up that cheap-shot story about me sleeping on my friend’s recliner when I’m home in Dodge City. And, yea, just because I have an actual bed in Virginia doesn’t mean I’m getting out of Dodge.
So I beat Wolf pretty good, thanks to those gross Facebook photos he took of his radiology patients. And yea, it didn’t hurt that a couple of other candidates were on the ballot to split the vote.
I started thinking about kicking back and taking it easy for the general. But here comes Greg Orman, some guy I’d never heard of before a couple of months ago, and he’s going after me in these TV commercials, saying I’m all about Washington and can’t solve problems. What the heck does he know about problems? And who gets an independent opponent these days? I was worried about the tea party, not some squishy independent.
Is it my fault the Democrat dropped out? That was a complete shocker, and not in a good way. Now even my so-called friends in the Kansas Republican Party treat me like some pathetic bailout case.
About the only real supporter I’ve got is Kris Kobach, who’s doing his darndest over at the secretary of state’s office to get a Democrat, any Democrat, on the ballot to take votes from Orman. Kind of ironic, I guess you could say, because not so long ago I was worried about Kris taking me on in a primary. Well, at least this gives him something to do in Kansas. He’s been pretty bored with that secretary of state job up until now.
Everybody in Kansas seems mad. They’re mad at Sam Brownback because his tax cuts blew a hole in the budget. Well, what did folks think was going to happen? Thank God I work for the federal government where we can run deficits. I’m trying to get people worked up about Barack Obama and the threat of national socialism but people want to talk about stuff like why we couldn’t pass a farm bill. I hate that.
I try to bring up Harry Reid, Harry Reid, as much as I can, but folks look at me kind of blankly, like they don’t know who he is. It’s like nobody’s paying attention out here. I’m about ready for a weekend in Virginia, where at least people know who Harry Reid is.
Well, anyway, Bob Dole campaigned with me today. It was good to see him, and he doesn’t seem mad at me any more for voting against him when he wanted us to enter into that United Nations disability treaty. That was all to please the nutty tea party faction and they turned against me anyway and voted for Wolf.
But anyway, I think it was good for people to see somebody even older than me on the campaign trail. And, more good news! Sarah Palin is coming to campaign for me. And Jeb Bush! So at least I have something to look forward to.
Oh God, here comes my new campaign manager, The Tyrant. Probably going to berate me some more for getting into this jam. Sometimes that recliner is looking pretty good.
To reach Barbara Shelly, call 816-234-4594 or send email to firstname.lastname@example.org. On Twitter @bshelly.