Girl Scout cookie season is two months away here in Joco, and I’m already prepared for battle.
Not the battle with my waistline — I reached an uneasy truce with my metabolism long ago.
The battle I’m looking forward to is the one between “godly womanhood” and the “gay and lesbian agenda” of the Girl Scouts.
Haven’t heard about it? You’re probably blissfully unaware of an outfit in Colorado calling itself Generations Radio, which claims to be heard throughout the U.S. and in more than 60 other countries.
I was unaware of it too, until co-hosts Kevin Swanson and Dave Buehner introduced the Girl Scouts’ hidden agenda to the world last week. The story zipped around the Internet, bringing ridicule to this particular fringe of Christianity. More rational Christians got to exercise their cringe muscles yet again, and atheist newspaper columnists staring at a deadline and a blank screen were very nearly inspired to offer up a prayer of thanks.
The transcript of Swanson’s and Buehner’s discussion about the Girl Scouts was so unbelievable that I forced myself to verify it by listening to the audio clips. That’s when I realized that no, this was not a joke. They really believe what they’re saying.
The short version: Feminism is devastating the nation, and the Girl Scouts are all about feminism blah blah encouraging girls to have careers blah blah lesbianism blah blah abortion. Therefore, Girl Scout cookies are evil.
On and on they went, railing against Planned Parenthood, independent women and transgender equality, all of which are, in their minds, part of the “wicked” Girl Scouts agenda. Buehner cautioned against allowing girls to think it is acceptable to be “a woman who is going to compete with men in the marketplace,” when they should instead be “a woman who will be a helpmeet to a man so he can compete in the marketplace.”
Their lunacy kept growing, right along with my sudden craving for Thin Mints. (Under normal circumstances, I hate Thin Mints.)
I went straight to the Girl Scouts website to see how soon I could expect the little doorbell-ringing minions of Satan to arrive on my porch with their order sheets. Turns out they won’t be coming around in our area until after Christmas, which is really a shame. Placing an order for a few boxes of women’s empowerment would be a perfect way to celebrate an evil holiday like Halloween.
After listening to Swanson and Buehner, I briefly considered sending my son out trick-or-treating dressed as a Girl Scout, accessorized with a rainbow flag and a Planned Parenthood tote bag for the candy. But his heart is set on being a doctor this year. Generations Radio would be proud.
One of the great things about the media world we live in is that for every Kevin Swanson and Dave Buehner, there is, somewhere, a counterbalancing voice of reason.
If you’d like to join the voices of reason in this situation, you can do one simple thing: Buy Girl Scout cookies. Sales begin Jan. 1 in Johnson County, and if your neighborhood is anything like mine, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to say “yes” to the idea of building strong, confident and independent women.
Buy more boxes than you normally would. Trust me, you’ll find people willing to take them off your hands. Maybe you can donate some to a senior citizens home or a food pantry or that family down the street whom you suspect has fallen on hard times. Give a box to your child’s teacher or coach. Stock up for the next blizzard — enjoying cookies and milk by the fireplace is one of winter’s great pleasures.
Don’t do it just to spite a couple of ignorant radio hosts you’d probably never heard of until now. Do it because the Girl Scouts organization works every day to build “girls of courage, confidence and character, who make the world a better place.” That’s how the organization sums it up on its website,
, where you can go to learn more about the incredible range of Girl Scouts programs.
You can order merchandise from the group’s online store, too. Its inventory includes a T-shirt that says “Girls Can Do Anything.” It’s a simple message, one that I took for granted as a girl, even back in the 1970s.
Forty years later, it’s a message that Swanson’s and Buehner’s daughters may never get to hear.