You are a thief of my time and my privacy.
You rob me of moments that could be spent in the presence of others, sharing and doing. You take my precious photos with no thought to what will become of them.
You track and catalog information about me and about my “friends.” You send me down every treacherous, ridiculous path when I only came for a brief check.
Must I wade through endless, senseless chatter to mine for nuggets of information that make you worthwhile? I understand this may be the only way to learn that a neighbor is planning a move or the birth of someone’s grandchild.
I know that without you I would endure: “Didn’t you know her mother just died? It was on Facebook!”
And “You haven’t heard about(insert whatever)?
It was all over Facebook.”
Is this the new substitute for water cooler/mailbox/front porch chatter? Did those things ever really have a place in my life? Maybe not but still I wish for the choice.
So suffer I must.
Did I see the photos of your wonderful vacation? All 500 of them, each one carefully posed? Yes. And I wonder whether you ever really had a chance to enjoy your trip or was it all simply gathering from one photo op to another.
Did I see your political vomit about the latest Washington, D.C., crisis? Yes. But it had nothing to do with policy. It was filled with hate and insults. Not compromise or enlightenment.
Did I see the pictures from your latest party? Yes. I see that I was not invited, and it sure looks like everyone was having a great time.
Did I see your post: “If you love your daughter — please ‘like’ this”? Ah, the precious and beloved social pressure post.
Let’s just state the obvious and then gather followers. I am suspicious. Is this just another way Facebook is gathering more data for their targeted ads? Surely this isn’t some weak grasp at finding the remaining few people that love their daughters in hopes of creating some rare common bond.
And finally, for heaven’s sake, please stop posting about the she-who-must-not-be-named former Disney child star turned stripper. You do realize that even if it’s a negative comment, it all counts toward the publicity points rewarding her with “top of the social media charts” status.
Ugh. Those wretched Christmas newsletter moments now can be shared every day. Every minute. Add to that the cat meme, the viral Korean dance video, judgmental comments from those believing others should be more like them, the vitriol directed at leaders working to find solutions. Why ever do I get sucked into the black hole of Facebook?
But...did I see that you are organizing a fundraiser for the tornado victims in Joplin? Sign me up! I was looking for a way to help.
You happen to have two extra tickets for the Chiefs game that you want to give to a friend? Pick me, pick me!
The pictures of homecoming and that gorgeous dress your daughter was wearing? Wow. How sweet?! Now that’s something I may not have the chance to see otherwise.
Your cancer is now in remission? How else would I have known the good news so quickly? I sincerely am so excited for you.
Sharing that link to the interview with Bill Gates? You were right, it was great!
What? You’re in the hospital in Chicago? Oh my gosh, I want to know everything.
Yes, thank you for sharing the story about the injustice served in your country, where the media is an extension of the government and otherwise I would not learn of it. I am horrified. Thank you for giving me a glimpse of life in your world.
Like, like, like.
Ah, Facebook, my friend and my foe.