Joco Diversions

While walking pups and stepping over bags of dog-doo, profound ideas come to mind

Walking her dogs brings Sherry Kuehl peace.
Walking her dogs brings Sherry Kuehl peace. Special to The Star

If I want to go deep with my thoughts, like really deep, there are three activities that will trigger my emotional reservoirs.

One is vacuuming. I think the sound of the vacuum creates a white noise Zen state that stimulates a part of my brain’s frontal lobe. Driving (solo) also works to let my thought process go free range. But the best thing I can do to clear my head is walk my dogs.

There’s something about the stop and sniff cadence of a dog walk while I’m wielding two leashes that serenades me into a thought safe space. It gives my brain permission to pluck random thoughts and then wallow in their meaning.

For example, what does a bag of dog poop left on the curb really mean? At first glance, one would suppose the owner of the bag perhaps meant to leave it curbside with plans to circle back and pick it up. It seems reasonable that a dog owner, in an effort to not have to transport the befouled bag their entire walk, might deploy that tactic.

But what does it signify when the bag is still there after two days? Because who goes through the effort of picking up after their dogs and then just leaves the bag? Isn’t it almost better to not even pick up the poop so at least it has a chance to be decimated by rain or a lawn mower? And what’s worse: Picking up dog poop in your yard or picking up bagged poop that’s been fermenting into hazardous waste?

Perhaps the abandoned poop bag is a sinister symbol or warning that the person who left it is not happy and this is their way of protesting? Is it a little greeting from your neighbor that you’ve ticked them off? But what did you do? Did you bring your garbage cans out too earlier or leave them out too late? Is your lawn not up to HOA crosshatching standards? Is the bag the first volley in a neighborhood tit for tat?

I don’t know about you but I see a new Netflix series that starts off with an extreme closeup of a forsaken bag of dog poop sitting on the curb of a well-groomed yard. After eight episodes that bag becomes the representation of extreme suburban angst via the HOA that plays out against our current fractured political landscape.

I can see the entire series being told from the perspective of everyone’s home security systems. I’m certain most of my neighborhood is embedded with doorbell cameras. I can only imagine the tales these cameras could tell, from Amazon package thievery to the idiocy of having your car stolen because you left it unlocked with the keys in it.

This is another dog walking deep thought — who is that dumb in 2019 to leave the car unlocked in a driveway with the keys in it, and then is surprised that someone had the audacity to steal it at 3 a.m.? This is as close as it gets to inviting someone to take if off your hands, besides a Craigslist ad or a sign that says “Free to a good home.”

If I was that big of a pinhead, I sure wouldn’t compound my stupidity by announcing to the world at large via Nextdoor, eneighbors and social media that “I never lock my car” and then blame everyone else up to and including my neighbors, street lights, public schools and the lack of respect for the national anthem. Hmm, I see a major character developing for my Netflix series – the clueless and outraged protagonist.

I’ll keep you posted on how my burgeoning TV drama is coming along. Meanwhile, I’ve got dogs to walk and more deep thoughts to ponder.

Reach Sherry Kuehl at snarkyinthesuburbs@ gmail.com, on Facebook at Snarky in the Suburbs, on Twitter at @snarkynsuburbs on Instagram @snarky.in.the.suburbs, and snarkyinthesuburbs.com.
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