Joco Diversions

Enough with the Patriots. This year, she’s skipping the Super Bowl

This columnist has had enough of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and his Patriots, and will be ignoring the Super Bowl.
This columnist has had enough of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and his Patriots, and will be ignoring the Super Bowl. AP

This January has been a huge buzz kill. We’ve had weather that’s been one big ad for Seasonal Affective Disorder medication and I’m still not over the Chiefs loss to the Patriots and — get this — I was a Patriots fan for the first 40 decades of my life. Don’t judge. I lived in Boston as a child and my dad, the world’s biggest Patriots fan e-v-e-r, would take us to all the games and even their summer training camps.

His study was filled with Pats memorabilia from way back in the day when they were awful, to the Tom Brady years. But not even my profound love for my deceased father could make me root for the Patriots now. I hope the Super Bowl has the lowest ratings in the history of the broadcast because I refuse to watch.

Please just stop. I know what you you’re thinking — that you’re also not going to watch except for the commercials and the half-time show. Do yourself a favor and just look at the commercials online 10 seconds after they air. As for the half-time show — really, you’re that excited about Maroon Five? That’s awkward for you, but again, I urge you to just go online to witness that over-produced dumpster fire with confetti cannons because we all need to boycott the Super Bowl.

Yes, I realize that my attitude could be perceived as a little pouty, but I feel as a city we need to stand in solidarity against anything that promotes the New England Patriots. And, spoiler alert, they’re going to win so why bother investing four hours of your life experiencing that — again. Ugh.

The one and only downside I can find to not watching the Super Bowl is missing out on the food that goes with the game. It’s going to be hard for me to not park myself by a vat of queso for a full quarter and then move on down the table to linger by a pan of seven-layer dip for another. But hard sacrifices must be made and we can do this, one pig-in-a-blanket at a time.

I had a friend suggest that everyone should watch the “Puppy Bowl” instead. But, I’m afraid someone with jittery fingers would make the TV remote go to the Super Bowl and then before you could say “Bill Belichick” you would be stuck watching the Pats move down the field with robotic precision.

And what’s up with Belichick? He’s like America’s crankiest, most constipated grandpa. I would say he needs to investigate a fiber rich diet but what if the addition of a 100 percent whole grains, fruit and vegetable dominant lifestyle made him happy? Can you imagine a cheery Belichick? It’s too frightening to think about. Seriously, I now have chills.

Another reason to “Bird Box” the Super Bowl is I don’t think I’m emotionally strong enough to watch any more referee lunacy. People who know a lot more about sports than I do are saying both games had the “worst officiating in the NFL playoff history.” OK, maybe they meant mainly the NFC game (#saintswererobbed) but I’m going to extrapolate that to mean the Chiefs were ripped off as well.

I get it. It’s hard to be a ref, especially a ref with an astigmatism who’s recovering from a discount Lasik procedure performed by a mammal lacking opposable thumbs. The only thing I can say is that based on some of the egregious calls, I hope that in the name of public safety, none of the referees will be getting behind the wheel of a car anytime soon.

As far as I’m concerned there will be nothing super about this Super Bowl besides it being super annoying. If you’re smart you’ll do yourself a favor and join me in my boycott.

Reach Sherry Kuehl at snarkyinthesuburbs@gmail.com, on Facebook at Snarky in the Suburbs, on Twitter at @snarkynsuburbs and snarkyinthesuburbs.com.

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