Joco Diversions

For the sake of household peace, University of Texas football has to step up that game

Texas Longhorn mascot “Bevo” is brought out of the trailer before an NCAA college football game between Tulsa and Texas.
Texas Longhorn mascot “Bevo” is brought out of the trailer before an NCAA college football game between Tulsa and Texas. AP

Well, it’s begun. It’s a little earlier than usual, but my husband is already in full University of Texas football meltdown mode. As I write this UT has only played two games, both non-conference, and they actually beat Tulsa (a win my husband called “ugly”) so one would think he wouldn’t have already been plunged into the depths of despair. But, sadly this is not the case. The problem, he wails to me, is that “Texas can’t get it together.”

And here we go. I’ve been listening to this tale of how a University with so money and so much homegrown talent can be so “bad” since 2010. (Although, honestly it feels longer.) I even stopped trying to apply logic to cajole my husband from this dark place he goes to every September because it’s no use. The fall funk is in full swing.

This is infuriating to me because using logic, UT isn’t that bad. Kansas football fans (and God bless you) would probably sell, if not their soul, then, at the very least, an organ they could possibly survive without, to have the football record of the University of Texas.

Granted, UT had that streak of three losing seasons in row from 2014 to 2016, but they still won at least five games per season. It’s not like they went 0 and 12. That’s not something to brag about, but still it’s semi respectable – right? And they went to bowl game last year. Although, I get it that winning the Academy Sports + Outdoors Texas Bowl isn’t exactly the stuff of dreams.

The worst part about all of this football misery is that my husband now has a series of conspiracy theories about why Texas football is “not at the caliber it should be.” It’s a little bit frightening. I’ve told my son if his dad starts talking about something called the “Longhorn Network,” the best course of action for survival is to not make eye contact and flee for the nearest exit.

The Longhorn Network is a venture between UT and ESPN and was started in 2011 to broadcast the Longhorns varsity sports. The problem, as my husband sees it, is threefold. One football games that would have been on Fox Sports or ESPN are now solely on the Longhorn Network. Two, Horns fans are now at the mercy of their “freaking” cable systems and if you don’t live in Texas it’s almost impossible to get the Longhorn Network. This means three, there are not as many people getting to see UT games which is resulting in subpar recruiting.

Still with me? Because there’s more. If you take the year, the Longhorn Network started — 2011 — you can extrapolate from that a significant drop in the Horns win-loss record. Did I also mention that he’s made graphs?

Currently, I’m worried for my husband’s sanity and I’m furious at the University of Texas. Your football team is killing my fall mojo. I’m demanding that you go out there and win some games.

I know you’ve had two new coaches in four years. I know, according to my husband’s screaming at the television, that you haven’t exactly been blessed by genius offensive coordinators, but you can do this. You’re playing for a university that can throw money at any problem. You’ve got facilities that some have called “better than the pros.”

It’s go time. I need you to be better because if you keep losing or having these so called “ugly wins,” every Saturday at my house for the next three months is going to be dismal. This cannot happen. So, go out there and embrace the “W.” The time has come.

Reach Sherry Kuehl at snarkyinthesuburbs@, on Facebook at Snarky in the Suburbs, on Twitter at @snarkynsuburbs and