Q: My fiancee and I have known each other since high school. I was the “good kid” with honors and the right parents. She was considered trouble and didn’t have the best home life. Rumor had it that she moonlighted as a stripper our senior year, but I always blew it off as false.
Fast-forward 12 years: I ran into her recently, and we decided to have dinner. I fell in love with her on that date. A few months went by and I mentioned the rumors. She wasn’t upset and matter-of-factly explained that she did start stripping in high school and continued through college. It bothered me, but the benefits of being with her far outweighed the negatives.
Now that we are engaged, she told me she had to “come clean.” She said there were times in college when she had sex with some of her regular clients. I am floored. She basically admitted she had prostituted herself. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to blame her for her past indiscretions, but this is a big deal. I don’t know how to let it go. Advice, please! — Guy Who Needs Advice
A: You now see your fiancee clearly, warts and all. The problem with “falling in love” (what I define as infatuation) is that you don’t yet know who the person IS. Regardless of how your fiancee financed her education, she deserves respect for being honest with you. She has done as much as she can to improve her life. You must now ask yourself if you can see past her past, and if she is someone you would be happy spending the rest of your life with. Remember, I live in Los Angeles, and in this town, her revelation wouldn’t necessarily be a deal-breaker.
Q: I met a guy named “Ryan” about 10 weeks ago. We hit it off right away. I admit I had a little crush on him.
About a week after we met, he came out to a group of our mutual friends (me included) as gay. I’m very supportive of him, and it didn’t change anything between us at all. Over the last several weeks, we have grown to be best friends and continue to grow closer and closer.
Once I found out Ryan was gay, the rational and practical part of me took over and squashed the crush I had on him in the beginning. But now that feeling is coming back even stronger.
I know our relationship can never be anything more than platonic. I guess I’m just asking how I can get over him while still maintaining our close friendship, because ultimately, that means the world to me, and I don’t want to lose it. — Friend Only, in Washington, D.C.
A: It’s not easy to think rationally when emotions are involved. Ryan may have everything you want in a man, but he will not be a romantic partner for you. If spending time around him becomes too painful, you may have to put some distance between the two of you until you regain your emotional balance.
Write Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.