Fraud on the social scene! It has come to Miss Manners’ attention that invitations that are deliberately and shockingly misleading are being issued to unsuspecting people.
She does not mean to justify imperious guests who are outraged if the hosts fail to cede them control over the menu, the time, the dress code and the remainder of the guest list. Nor does she blame hosts who are unaware of their guests’ legitimate restrictions, although it is prudent these days to ask if such exist.
Rather, she is thinking of dinners that turn out to be fundraisers; outings whose secret purpose is unauthorized matchmaking; and parties with unannounced amateur entertainment programs, even if those do not star resident children. Most outrageous are the total bait-and-switch invitations by which hospitality has been apparently extended to those who, upon acceptance, are issued hosting responsibilities, such as bringing the food or paying a restaurant bill.
If frankly offered, these opportunities might be welcomed. But prior warning — like highway signage announcing falling rocks — offers the opportunity to take another road. Or at least to close the sunroof.
Miss Manners believes that a guest’s commitment to an invitation is generally binding. But she leaps to protect guests who discover that a pertinent and perhaps unpleasant fact was omitted when the invitation was issued and accepted.
There are ways to rescind an acceptance once such a hidden purpose is revealed. One may firmly state a refusal to end mourning and to “move on” by considering a new romance. One may claim sudden indisposition without specifying that the indisposition came on at the prospect of home theatricals. One can explain that one’s disposable income already goes to charities or candidates of one’s own choice. One may plead to be excused because of an inability to comply with the shopping and cooking assignment.
But when there has been no warning at all, compliance cannot always be avoided. The correct response will vary depending upon whether one is being pelted with pebbles or boulders. It may be possible to demur when asked for a donation at an unexpected fundraising party.
But when an invitation to a restaurant party turns out to be pay-for-yourself (and perhaps even chip in for the purported host), Miss Manners will not allow a fuss that ruins whatever good feelings may have accumulated before the nasty surprise finish. The hapless non-guest should pay the bill and consider the relationship paid off, with no further obligations. At least it will be clear what lies down the road when the next invitation arrives.
You’re invited, for a price
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received the following invite from my brother’s companion (over 79 years old): “My son wants a big gathering for Thanksgiving, as his son will be home from college, so he made arrangements for dinner at an Irish pub. They have a dinner for $18 complete with Irish music, etc. I would like it if you and your husband would join us too. My son has a place for two more at the table.”
What kind of invite is this? Should I be prepared to pay $18 per? Does this sound like a treat … but she did say her son wants to do it up big, etc.? What say you?
GENTLE READER: What Miss Manners would say is, “No, thank you.” But, then, she is not tempted to buy a ticket to meet a presumably unknown student whose parents’ idea of “doing it up big” comes at other people’s expense. You may feel differently and should be grateful that you have been warned in time to decide.
Judith Martin writes the Miss Manners column with help from her son, Nicholas Ivor Martin, and her daughter, Jacobina Martin. Send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, MissManners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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