▪ 10:38: You know the problem with this night? They didn’t ask Taylor Swift to perform. We can’t believe we just wrote that sentence, but we only speak the truth here. Don’t make the same mistake next year, Grammys.
▪ 10:33: Nope, not even Beyonce can elevate this morose night. Maybe John Legend and Common can do it with their Oscar-nominated “Glory”? Ack. What were we thinking? Precious Lord, we need an antidepressant.
▪ 10:28: Uh, Beyonce, you want to try that one more time? First notes of “Take My Hand, Precious Lord” are shaky at best. But she looks angelic in all-white surrounded by men dressed in white suits. She sings, “I am tired,” and so are we at this point in the night. This is one of the saddest, most melancholy Grammy shows we’ve ever seen. We need Beyonce to save it.
▪ 10:27: Is it just us or does Gwyneth Paltrow’s nose match her sequined red dress? Has she been crying over Chris Martin backstage?
▪ 10:20: Joe Cocker. Andrae Crouch. Pete Seeger. Johnny Winter. Tommy Ramone. Jimmy Ruffin. Bobby Womack. Robin Williams. Little Jimmy Dickens. Big Bank Hank. Casey Kasem. Paul Revere. Bob Casale. Mike Nichols. Ruby Dee. Rod McKuen. Maya Angelou. Rest in peace.
▪ 10:17: Jennifer Hudson seems so awkward talking about serious things, like how to grow the next generation of music-makers. They should have let her sing instead. This show could have used it.
▪ 10:07: Stevie Wonder gets more love from the audience when he appears on stage with Jamie Foxx. They’re there to announce the winner of Record of the Year. The card with Sam Smith’s name on it is written in Braille for Wonder to read. Cool.
▪ 10:01: Beck and Chris Martin elegantly punctuate this long, boring Grammy night with a pretty duet on Beck’s ballad, “Heart is a Drum.” In serious need of caffeine to make it through the next half hour.
▪ 10:00: Dave Grohl drew the short straw. CBS makes him pay brief homage to David Letterman. Awkward.
▪ 9:50: Hey, look, it’s Maddie from “Dance Moms” dancing with Sia’s “Chandelier” performance. Isn’t it almost Maddie’s bedtime?
▪ We always sit up when we hear, “Ladies and gentlemen, Shia LaBeouf.”
▪ 9:40: Moment of the night: Kanye faux-rushes the stage when Beck takes the mic. Kanye just won us over. He does have a sense of humor. Who knew? The guy is rarely photographed smiling.
▪ Spontaneous and giant ovation when Prince walks out because no one rocks head-to-toe orange polyester better.
▪ 9:35: Colombian star Juanes sings his hit, “Juntos,” in Spanish. Please cut to Taylor Swift trying to sing along.
▪ 9:30: If we hear Sam Smith sing “Stay With Me” one more time, grrrrrrrrrrr ... what? Mary J. Blige is singing with him? O.K., one last time.
▪ 9:21: Finally. We’ve been waiting for this. Rihanna, Paul McCartney and Kanye West bring their gorgeous “FourFiveSeconds” video to life. We’re not disappointed. See Pharrell, you don’t need a cast of thousands. Favorite performance of the night. All you young ’uns, you know who Paul McCartney is now, don’t you?
▪ 9:18: Potty break. More country music. (Sorry, country fans)
▪ 9:14: Country singer Eric Church wears his sunglasses at night.
▪ 9:05: That’s it? A few bars on the harmonica from Stevie Wonder? We want more.
▪ 9:03: Anyone else half-expect to see that dancing bee from the Honey Nut Cheerios commercials come running out with Usher?
▪ 8:58: We could listen to Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett sing all night long. That woman’s got some pipes.
▪ 8:47: Twitter thinks that Katy Perry is wearing Solange Knowles’ wedding gown. (She’s definitely wearing Kim Kardashian’s hair.) Guess some people missed the point here, especially the dudes who could only hear a message of “men are evil” while that survivor of domestic violence was speaking.
▪ 8:44: Serious turn here. President Obama reaches out to the Grammy audience and artists to join the campaign against violence against women. Thank you, Mr. President. ItsOnUs.org.
▪ 8:34: OK, at this point we’re tired of seeing Pharrell’s knees. If he insists on showing them off he could at least wear a skirt. But this new version of “Happy” sounds promisingly, uh, edgy.
▪ 8:31: Presenters Nick Jonas and Meghan Trainor look like little kids playing dress up. Nick’s gray suit is from the PeeWee Herman Collection. And doesn’t he know you’re not supposed to wear big ugly white shoes before Easter?
▪ 8:27: Annie Lennox is our queen. You must bow down. Now. She put a spell on us.
▪ 8:25: “Take Me to Church.” Here’s your proof that Hozier doesn’t believe in Autotune. Good for him.
▪ 8:15: Sultry Gwen Stefani in a smokin’ red gown cut high on the thigh singing with sexy Adam Levine. Eye candy, but this show is one-third over and if the action doesn’t pick up soon we’re going to bed. Or switching over to “Downton Abbey.” Miley should’ve hosted.
▪ 8:13: Awkward. Hey Taylor Swift, if you don’t know the words don’t try to sing along. Google “ELO.” That’s Electric Light Orchestra.
▪ 8:11: As Jeff Lynne takes the stage the Twitterverse starts Googling ELO. Fellow Brit Sir Paul knows who he is. He’s the only one out of his seat clapping. Embarrassing old-man moment on live TV.
▪ 8:09: And now we’ve moved into the smooth-jams portion of the show. Ed Sheeran. Herbie Hancock. John Mayer on fuchsia guitar. Questlove. Anyone want to slow dance?
▪ 8:06: Best R&B performance goes to Beyonce for “Drunk in Love.” She always thanks God. Check. And her hubby. Check. And tonight, her fans, the beehive. Sweet.
▪ 8:04: Let Smokey sing, let Smokey sing!
▪ 7:57: Beck wins best rock album and mentions he’s been working with some of his musicians for 20 years. That’s longer than half the people in the Staples Center audience have been alive.
▪ 7:55: Madonna was so wiped out by her performance that they had to airlift her from the stage.
▪ 7:51: Don’t care what anyone says, Madonna looks incredible. We’d kill for those thighs. But those horned dancers are creeping us out.
▪ 7:50 “Let’s give it up for our bitch, Madonna,” says Miley Cyrus introducing her Madgesty. “She made me say that.” Here we go.
▪ Welcome back to the Grammy stage, Kanye. “Only One” was a perfect choice for your comeback.
▪ 7:47: Is it bad to wonder if Taylor Swift gives Kanye a standing ovation?
▪ 7:46: “Dreams don’t have deadlines. Believe in yourself,” preaches LL Cool J.
▪ 7:30: Keep your seat Katy Perry, Ariana Grande and Miley Cyrus. Sam Smith is unstoppable tonight. It’s boys’ night. Best speech yet: “Before I made this record I was doing everything to try and get my music heard. I tried to lose weight, I was making awful music. It was only until I started to be myself that the music started to flow and that people started to listen.”
▪ Crushing on Barry Gibb! Tear in the eye at his mention of “little Andy.” Sniff, sniff.
▪ 7:35: Anyone read lips? Why did Miranda Lambert just get bleeped? Did she have something dirty in her “Little Red Wagon”?
▪ 7:25: Shake it off, Taylor. Pharrell Williams wins best pop solo performance for “Happy.” Maybe now he’ll buy some big-boy pants.
▪ 7:24: Geez, Chrissy Teigen is an even more awkward chair-dancer than Taylor Swift.
▪ 7:21: Jessie J borrowed her stage gown from the “Kiss of the Spiderwoman” collection.
▪ 7:20: Newsflash, Sir Tom Jones is still alive. And bless his heart, he’s still warbling.
▪ 7:18: Ariana Grande is being eaten alive by a smoke machine. Quick, someone call 911.
▪ 7:17: Anna Kendrick is pitch-perfect in a black tux with no shirt. We couldn’t resist the pun.
▪ 7:10: Thank goodness Sam Smith is wearing an all-red suit because for a second there we thought he was out parking cars.
▪ 7:09: Still, every time we see Taylor Swift walk up to a microphone we expect to see Kanye West run onto the stage.
▪ 7:07: Are Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett dating or something? She looks very lovey-dovey with him. They have been spending a lot of time in the recording studio together.
▪ 7:05: Expect to see lots of memes tomorrow of people wearing those red devil horns.
THE RED CARPET
Here’s what we saw on Sunday’s red carpet:
▪ Rihanna walks the carpet late dressed as a giant pink cupcake in a huge — no, HUGE – gown by Giambattista Valli that must have used up all the tulle in Europe. Cue the memes.
▪ Miley Cyrus sighting! She’s wearing clothes!
▪ Nicole Kidman in a short black Thierry Mugler accessorized her look with hubby Keith Urban wearing all-black Lanvin. They’re so pretty together.
▪ Iggy Azalea snatches best-dressed from Taylor Swift’s nicely manicured hands in a glamorous blue column by Armani Prive. She told the fashion house, “I’d love a lovely blue dress,” and they came through. Just wish she hadn’t let her hair stylist braid her hair into a weird Heidi crown.
▪ Kim Kardashian is wearing a gold bathrobe by Jean Paul Gaultier. Our grandma had one just like this except hers buttoned up.
▪ Jennifer Hudson in a white strapless dress by Tom Ford looks surprisingly under-dressed for the night. The yummy purple lipstick isn’t enough oomph.
▪ Taylor Swift continues her reign as the towering queen of the red carpet in emerald-green Elie Saab and sky-high purple Giuseppe Zanotti stilettos. This woman is flawless every single time. She makes Ryan Seacrest look like a Munchkin standing next to him.
Awwww, Tony Bennett came with his granddaughter. No wait, that’s Lady Gaga in a slinky silver gown slit up to “there” by Brandon Maxwell. Cute couple alert!
▪ Nicki Minaj keeps Ryan Seacrest waiting for his interview while she poses for pics with Katy Perry. “I love Katy. I love her breasts,” gushes Nicki to Ryan. What? What did she say? We couldn’t hear her because we were busy looking at her chest. Someone obviously couldn’t care less if they have a wardrobe malfunction.
▪ Bummer. Katy Perry came without the skarks. But she’s as smashing tonight as she was at the Super Bowl in a heavily beaded Marilyn Monroe-esque dress “fresh from the Paris runway” by Zuhair Murad. Loving the new lavender hair. Until Taylor Swift shows up, she’s best-dressed.
▪ Meghan Trainor brought her dad to the show. So. Sweet. She’s in a black lacy number by bridal designer Galia Lahav. Yeah, we know she was with her dad but she could have shown a little more skin because, well, these are the Grammys not the Tonys.
▪ Chris Brown!!! Yay!!! Burgundy felt hat and matching pocket square, white tuxedo shirt fashionably untucked, bow tie fashionably untied. Love this updated “Ocean’s Eleven” look. Who made those sunglasses, dude?!?! We must have them.
▪ First glimpse of Meghan Trainor in a princess-like gown and it looks like this red carpet is all about the lace.
▪ For her first Grammys red carpet Katherine McPhee wears an Emilio Pucci gown in the color of Pepto-Bismol. But at least she got the memo that breasts are THE big fashion accessory this year. We think she was holding her breath while Ryan Seacrest was interviewing her to avoid a wardrobe malfunction.
▪ Pharrell Williams left the big Mounties hat at home this year and trots out another little-boy pant suit with shorts. We liked the hat better even though this Adidas suit allegedly glows in the dark. Turn down the lights!
▪ Madonna came dressed like a matador in a Givenchy couture costume. Her cups spilleth over. But Gwen Stefani wears black better in a killer pant suit by Atelier Versace with a sparkly web cage holding her breasts back.
▪ First-time nominee Charli XCX let Moschino dress her in a shiny white satin tuxedo with a ring-bearer’s bright pink bow tie and a pink feather boa that kept shedding on the red carpet. She’s molting! “I hate boring fashion so I wanted to wear something 80s and fabulous,” she told E!
▪ Ariana Grande is dressed like she’s going to the Oscars in a sleek-fitting, classy Versace column of white with a slash of silver fabric on one side. We like this grown-up side of Ariana. An early nominee for best-dressed of the night.