What do you get when you mix booze, bikinis and “The Bachelor”? A whole lot more crazy, if episode four of ABC’s reality show is any indication.
Farmer Chris Soules kicks off his latest quest to find his mate with a group date at a deserted lake, which is his “element” but not Ashley I.’s, whose fake lashes could easily be mistaken for spiders on this group camping trip.
Kelsey, a teacher from Austin, is less thrilled than Ashley I.
“This is a date made for bimbos,” Kelsey said. “My face is getting skinnier because I spent so much time fake smiling.”
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Mix a little booze with the women’s bikinis, and suddenly the tops ( Mackenzie) and bottoms (Kaitlyn) start coming off.
Ashley I., or “Kardashley,” as clever Twitter users have dubbed her, continues to talk about her virginity, though Chris doesn’t catch on.
“I have no idea what she’s talking about,” Chris said after Ashley I. made a late-night stop to his tent to explain her, ahem, lack of experience.
Ashley S. tells Chris she “like, really loves him” even though she doesn’t know what he is.
“What are you?” Ashley S. asked him. “I know you’re a Scorpio, but I don’t really care about that.”
Chris must’ve seen something he liked from the skinny dipping, because Kaitlyn received the group date rose.
Back at the house, Chris’ three sisters stop by to grill the remaining girls and select one to go on a one-on-one date with Chris.
Jade makes the biggest impression, and receives the “princess date,” with Chris, which comes with complimentery Christian Louboutin heels and Neil Lane diamond earrings.
Chris is blown away by Jade, who he says is “quiet, but has a lot going for herself.”
Both Jade and Chris reveal they’ve been engaged before, and seem to have actual chemistry and conversation.
“Tonight was perfect and Jade made it perfect,” Chris said.
On the final group date, the girls compete in a mud race while dressed in wedding dresses, although it wasn’t much of a competition with heavy lifter Jillian involved.
“I haven’t lifted in like, four weeks and I still smoked them,” Jillian said.
Her fit physique wasn’t enough to impress Chris, though, who sent her home without a rose on their one-on-one portion of the date.
“I love your energy and the person you are, but I’m truly looking for my wife and unfortunately I just don’t feel like we have that chemistry right now,” Chris told her.
Before the rose ceremony, Britt questions Chris’ decision making, and he stammers to explain why he’s given so many roses to Kaitlyn.
Although Britt gets a rose, Chris makes it clear he’s there for the right reasons and anyone who questions that should see their way out.
And much to viewers’ dismay, the ever-entertaining Ashley S. got the boot, but not before leaving on this note:
“I feel nothing,” Ashley S. said. “Like, I am who I am.”
Unpeel that onion, Ashley S. And don’t lose your soul on the way out.