Spoiler alert: If you haven’t seen Monday night’s episode of “The Bachelor,” look away, look away.
So how do you top a season of “The Bachelor” that captivated local fans because a Kansas City bachelorette won – and later lost – the heart of the hunk?
How about some serious kookiness?
On Monday night’s Season 19 opener of the reality show we love to hate, one of the bachelorettes, a tissue donor coordinator, made her grand entrance carrying a fake bloody heart in a cooler.
Another bachelorette wore a pig nose because she wanted to “ham it up” for bachelor Chris Soules, a 33-year-old farmer from Arlington, Iowa.
Sweet Lord, put us out of our misery now.
This is going to be a looong season full of corny down-on-the-farm references, isn’t it?
Oh look, there’s the farm boy sitting on a hay bale for publicity shots and looking up with Opie awe at the tall buildings in L.A.
Soules, annoyingly dubbed “Prince Farming,” spread the manure thick himself with a hefty dose of Forrest Gump-like philosophy: “Love is a lot like farming … plant a seed, hope it grows, sometimes the weather isn’t on your side, but with luck something beautiful can come from it.”
(What else would you expect from a guy who says that going on a reality TV show is the “best way to find love”? But we digress.)
Show host Chris Harrison gushed that this season “will be unlike anything we have ever seen before. This season, folks, it has it all.
“We’ve got a virgin who spends the night in the fantasy suite, a wholesome young girl with an X-rated past and two widows hoping for a second chance at love.”
Soules is a peach of a bachelor compared to last season’s made-for-TV blaggard, Juan Pablo Galavis, who chose Kansas City pediatric nurse Nikki Ferrell as his beloved. The two have since split and lo, there was Ferrell on the red carpet before Monday night’s show answering Harrison’s questions about the death of her fairy tale.
Ferrell reported that she’s “doing really great, I’m really happy” and insisted that Juan Pablo is not the monster-who-can’t-say-I-love-you that he appeared to be on the show.
She reiterated for the umpteenth time how difficult it is to have a relationship in the public eye, begging the question for the umpteenth time why she ever tried to win a guy on a TV show.
She said that the relationship was “misunderstood. We weren’t able to express ourselves, mostly him, in a way that I wanted it to be expressed,” she said. “I wanted everyone to be happy for me.”
She chalked up the failure of the relationship to distance, both physical and emotional, it seems.
“It’s not from a lack of trying on either side,” she said. “I tried really hard and he tried, too. I’m a nurse in Kansas City and he lives in Miami and he’s in the entertainment industry. It was really hard for me to fit into that. At the end of the day we gave it a go, but we’re just two different people.”
Harrison mentioned an apparent last-ditch trip Ferrell made to Miami and pressed her to admit that she didn’t feel like a priority to Juan Pablo. That’s when Ferrell threw a tiny bit of shade – yay! – at perhaps the show’s most hated bachelor ever.
“I knew I was never going to be the No. 1 priority,” Ferrell said. “He has a daughter. But there’s a difference between being the second priority and being the seventh priority.”
She said she wasn’t prepared to hear the hurtful comments that people made about her and Juan Pablo but doesn’t regret anything about the experience.
“I’m glad you’re back as part of ‘The Bachelor’ family,” Harrison told her.
Juan Pablo apparently wasn’t invited.
If you want to cut to the chase, the name of the alleged winner of this new season is already out there on the Internet. Her name is ...
Just kidding. We’ll hide that down at the bottom of the story.
Soules became the next bachelor after emotionally declaring his love for “The Bachelorette” Andi Dorfman before she sent him packing.
Lost love is familiar territory for Soules, who was engaged to get married once but saw that seven-year relationship end just months before the wedding.
He’s bound and determined to find a wife for himself from among the, yikes, 30, women who showed up on the first night. He winnowed the field down to 20 or so by the end of the show.
Gosh, those farm puns are hard to resist.
Here are some of the more memorable women who received roses to continue on, including another Nikki, this one a 26-year-old former NFL cheerleader from New York:
▪ Britt: A 27-year-old waitress from Hollywood who didn’t have sex with the last guy she was in a relationship with and who walks around town giving strangers free hugs. So naturally she wrapped her comely arms around Soules, who didn’t seem to mind at all. In fact, she received the first rose, the so-called “First Impression Rose,” of the season and the two of them made out in front of a roaring fireplace. “She speaks to my heart,” Soules gushed. We’re thinking she spoke to other body parts as well.
▪ Jillian: A 25-year-old TV news producer from Washington, D.C. who boasted that she can probably dead-lift more than most guys she knows.
▪ Whitney: A 29-year-old fertility nurse from Chicago with a grating, high-pitched baby voice who said she could help Soules on the farm “with making some pigs and cows and all that jazz. I know how to do it.” She whined that she had “no idea why I’m not meeting the right guys in Chicago.” Bet we know why.
▪ Mackenzie: A 21-year- old dental assistant and single mom from Maple Valley, Wash. who said she has “way more fun with my son” than anyone else. Short-timer, guaranteed.
▪ Tracy: A 29-year-old fourth-grade teacher from Wellington, Fla. who read Soules an adorable note from one of her students: “Dear farmer, please like my teacher so she doesn’t end up lonely with nine cats.”
▪ Becca: A 25-year-old chiropractic assistant from San Diego who climbed out of the limo in a short, black, sparkly dress, prompting Soules to check her out from head-to-toe and tell her, “you look out of this world. I love this dress.” Right, it was the dress.
▪ Alissa: A 24-year-old flight attendant from New Jersey who was shown giving hokey fake instructions to hokey fake plane passengers: “Smoking is prohibited on this aircraft, unless you’re smoking hot. Hey Chris.”
▪ Kelsey: A 28-year-old school counselor from Austin whose husband dropped dead one year ago when “he was walking to work on a beautiful day and his heart stopped.”
▪ Jordan: A 24-year-old student from Colorado who brought Soules a small bottle of whiskey and drank with him upon their first meeting.
▪ Kaitlyn: A potty-mouthed, 29-year-old dance instructor from Vancouver who had the best quote of the night that left Soules literally speechless: “I don’t know much about you. I know you are a farmer. You can plow the (bleep) out of my field any day.” What could he say, other than: “I’m excited to get to know you better.”
Later she made the other women want to run screaming from the room when she shared this joke: “Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? Because he wanted to find a tight seal.”
▪ Tara: A 26-year-old sport fishing enthusiast from Fort Lauderdale who made her grand entrance by saying, “Yee haw” and exiting the limo in Daisy Duke shorts and boots. She let us know between burps that her three best friends are “Jameson, Johnny Walker, and Jack Daniels.”
And Soules gave a rose to Jade, introduced to viewers as a 28-year-old cosmetics developer from Los Angeles. As everyone with Internet access knows by now, the small-town Nebraska native has posed for Playboy, which means naked pictures of “Jade Elizabeth” and a video are just a mouse-click away for anyone to see.
Having a Playboy model among the bachelorettes is a first for “The Bachelor,” whose producers apparently saw a great opportunity to gin up some drama.
The farewells were as tearful as they usually are. Amanda, a 24-year-old ballet teacher from Illinois who lives at home with her mother griped that Soules “must have seen something in these crazy drunk girls that he didn’t see in me.”
One woman didn’t take her defeat gracefully. Kimberly, a 28-year-old yoga teacher from Long Island, said at the end that it wasn’t right that Soules was sending her home.
And in a very dramatic, off-the-rails moment she rushed back into the mansion and pulled Soules away from his champagne celebration with his new rose brigade.
“Can I steal you for a second?” Kimberly asked him.
The show ended there.
If you really must know how this journey ends, we’ll send you to our favorite Internet sleuth, Reality Steve, who followed and reported on the filming of this season in real time from September through November.
So yep, he’s already reported the names of the “final four” and who Soules is already engaged to.
Before Thanksgiving Reality Steve reported that the final rose ceremony was filmed on a farm owned by the Bachelor’s family in Iowa after Soules and three finalists returned from Bali.
Here are the final four, according to Reality Steve: Kaitlyn Bristowe, Becca Tilley, Jade Roper and Whitney Bischoff.
If you don’t want to know who reportedly gets the final rose, stop here.
But go on. You know you want to know.
Then you’re free to find something else/better to do with your Monday nights.