Spoiler alert: This story contains news from Monday’s episode of “The Bachelorette.”
Hey Kaitlyn Bristowe, we’ve got some Chapstick you can borrow, because after Monday night’s episode of “The Bachelorette,” it surely looks like you could use some.
We haven’t seen that much face sucking since, well, the last season of “The Bachelor.”
“I don’t care what people say or think,” she said, explaining why she’s heavily petted so many of the guys.
“I totally get it. I’m like the make-out bandit right now. But I don’t judge anyone ... if the physical part of the relationship isn’t there for me, I think that’s a deal breaker.”
Monday night began on a particularly harsh note when handsome Ivy League bachelor Ian, who pointed out several times that he went to Princeton, walked off the show. But not before he skewered Kaitlyn to her face.
Hey, he gets points from us for being honest.
He complained that he was tired of hanging around guys who only seemed interested in telling jokes about farts and poop and sex. (Wow, Ian must have been a lot of fun in college, huh?)
Ian felt he was deeper than those other superficial dudes and felt that Kaitlyn was pretty shallow herself, more the woman who wanted farmer “Bachelor” Chris Soules to “plow her field” than the sad, heartbroken girl.
“I’m not looking to plow her field,” Ian declared.
His blunt, and some would say said spot-on, assessment of Kaitlyn ticked her off. “The fact that you’re calling me surface level, do you not think you’re being super rude and offensive?” she said, eyes blazing.
“You’re not the woman I’m looking for,” Ian told her before being whisked away in a black SUV, where he declared to viewers that he was glad to be leaving, that he really needed to have some sex and that if he should become the next “Bachelor” that women “would come out of the woodwork.”
We’ll just let you all take bets on that.
And then things got really weird in Dublin, Ireland, where Kaitlyn and the remaining bachelors spent a few days and Chris Cupcake delivered the most gag-me quote yet of the season: “Kaitlyn is just a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.”
▪ Nick and Kaitlyn make a porno movie. Kidding. But only kinda. She ticked off the other guys by giving Nick the first one-on-one date of their overseas trip. And after some hilarious moments in a park, where Kaitlyn’s fear of birds rose to the surface, the two had a romantic dinner in a cathedral where they touched each other in ways that should probably be confessed to a priest.
(A quick aside: When Kaitlyn and Nick try to Riverdance with some street performers, he looks like a puppet having convulsions. Just saying.)
She invited him back to her hotel room where they spent minutes-that-seemed-like-hours engaged in the sloppiest-sounding kissing we’ve heard on TV.
“Nick just makes me feel like a woman, a desired woman,” Kaitlyn gushed.
They ended up behind the closed door of her bedroom. But since they were both still wearing their mics, viewers heard all the heavy breathing that precluded their night of whatever it was they were doing in there.
At that point ABC cut away to a shot of the fountain gushing in front of the hotel.
Twitter nearly exploded. Read more below.
▪ The morning after a pretend-guilty Kaitlyn wrings her hands on her hotel room balcony. Insincere much?
Reunited with the other guys, viewers are on pins and needles to see whether Nick will open his big mouth again and announce that he’s bagged a second bachelorette. But he shared few details about their “intimate,” “personal” time, letting the poop-eating grin on his face do the talking. The smile disappeared quickly, though, when told that Shawn also had “extra time” with Kaitlyn. “Good for Shawn,” Nick lied. “Not my business.”
▪ On the group date, the guys walked into a pub to find Kailyn laid out like a corpse in a coffin, which would have been funny except that the sight hits pretty close to home for Ben Z., who lost his mother at a young age.
Kansas City’s Tanner Tolbert, though, jumped right in with a sorta-limerick that set a fun tone for the fake Irish wake.
“I once dated a girl with 25 men. She was beautiful. Her name was Kait-lyn.
“But all we ever did was date in groups. She made me dress up and jump through hoops.
“How I’m still here, nobody knows. Hell, I’m even surprised that I got a rose.
“But I like you and want time tonight. So put it in your planner.
“And in case you forgot, my name is Tanner.”
▪ When Kaitlyn meets up with all the guys again at the Guinness plant, Shawn starts a slow, show-ending emotional implosion after he whips out cute family photos to impress her – then she gives the final rose of the night to Jared.
As the two head off to enjoy a slow, romantic, kissy-face dance in a darkened church to a live performance by The Cranberries, Shawn loses it.
He walks away from the rest of the guys and lets loose about the mixed messages he’s getting from Kaitlyn, who “just told me a few days ago that I’m the one.”
And why is she hooking up with two guys, he wants to know.
Feeling unloved, he knocks on her hotel room door and sets up the drama for next week’s show.
Will he stay or will he go?
If the luck of the Irish prevails, he’ll stay.