Spoiler alert: Don’t read if you didn’t watch “The Bachelorette” on Monday.
For several weeks now we’ve been waiting for Kansas City’s Tanner Tolbert to let his voice be heard on this season of “The Bachelorette.” Well, Tanner finally had his night in a big way on Monday.
He’s one of the remaining bachelors who is not happy that Kaitlyn Bristowe has invited a bachelor from another season to join the guys midstream.
“We all put our lives on hold and if she’s just going to throw a guy in the middle of this it’s kind of disrespectful,” says Tanner, who has been watching episodes of the show on TV with groups of family and friends.
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We agree, Tanner! Way to stick up for yourself and your buddies.
Here’s the breakdown of what happened on Monday night’s episode.
Clint and J.J. break up
The bromance is over between Clint and J.J.
Kaitlyn tells Clint that he’s not someone she would want to marry and that no, that has nothing to do with all those gay rumors about him and J.J.
But hey, she tells him, “I really, really, really, really like you.”
Then she kicks him out.
Back with the guys J.J. acts badly by telling Clint he owes everyone in the mansion an apology for bringing bad energy into the house. J.J. loses a lot of respect from the brotherhood because, man, you just don’t throw a bro under the bus like that.
Tanner delivers the color commentary. “Like that, J.J. flips on Clint and demands an apology. Clint’s face goes from already sad to even sadder because they’re having a bromance after all. I honestly think Clint was more sad to hear J.J. turn on him than have Kaitlyn send him home.”
When J.J. goes to say good-bye to Clint before he makes his exit it looks for a second like Clint is going to slug him. Instead, he just calls him a piece of “(bleep).”
“Brokeback Mountain actually became Brokeback Volcano. It erupted and unfortunately, they are no longer. J.J. quit Clint,” says Tanner, who goes on to deliver the line of the night.
“J.J. and Clint’s break-up was by far the most dramatic breakup in the history of the Bachelor or the Bachelorette.”
New York, New York
Hey kids, pack your bags. We’re leaving California and heading to New York!
You’d think these guys had never been to a big city before, jumping on their beds and shouting to people from the roof of The Knickerbocker hotel.
On the first group date in the Big Apple Kaitlyn, who somehow fancies herself a hip-hip artist, has eight of the guys, including Tanner, compete in rap battles.
Rapper Doug E. Fresh offers guidance to the guys who have to write and perform their own raps. But it’s an uphill battle teaching someone like personal trainer Shawn B., who lives in Nashville and listens to Luke Bryan, how to bust a rhyme. (Shawn ends up cheating, lifting up his shirt to show off his glorious six-pack.)
“There’s never been a rap battle with two guys in khaki pants,” jokes Kaitlyn.
Tanner, going toe-to-toe against Ben Z., represents the Heartland well with this slam.
“She’s too small for you, bro. She could fit in your pocket. Plus for a big guy, you have a very tiny rocket.”
Oh no he didn’t.
J.J., however, loses the goodwill of his New York audience when he raps about “New York City hoes.”
Nick shows up
This is the twist that has set a lot of people’s teeth on edge, including Tanner’s, and ours.
At the end of the rap battle Kaitlyn discovers a surprise guest in the audience: Nick Viall, a software sales exec from Chicago who was the runner-up of Andi Dorfman's season of “The Bachelorette.”
Apparently he and Kaitlyn had struck up a friendship on social media before she was tapped by “The Bachelorette.”
Nick confesses that he couldn’t watch her get engaged to some other guy without ever having the chance to even meet her.
And that is where Kaitlyn should have left it.
You met me. See ya. I have a show to do.
But that wouldn’t be very dramatic, right?
So there’s Kaitlyn sulking and looking all troubled as she debates with herself whether to invite Nick to join the other guys on the show.
And there’s Kaitlyn telling the guys that someone new might be joining them. “I just want to give him a chance and see what happens,” she tells them. “I realize that’s going to cause some serious problems. I just kind of wanted to talk to you guys about it.”
The guys are not amused, especially when they realize that the new dude is Nick, who, as Tanner points out, is the same dude who blasted Andi on national TV for having sex with him in their fantasy suite date when she knew she was going to pick the other guy.
“I lost a lot of respect for this guy,” Tanner says. “A guy like that would just be annoying to deal with.”
When Kaitlyn finally ends the night by giving the group date rose to Justin, Tanner lets loose with another quotable quip: “Given the context of the night, it might be the least meaningful rose in the history of the show.”
Just to make sure she’s making the right decision in letting Nick come on the show Kaitlyn heads to a Manhattan salon to have her hair done by ... drum roll ... that onion-obsessed woman of many layers, Ashley S., from last season’s “The Bachelor.”
She might be wacky, but Ashley S. speaks the truth when she verbally slaps fake-confused Kaitlyn up the side of the head.
There’s definitely chemistry with Nick, Kaitlyn whines to Ashley.
That’s lust, Ashley barks.
A night at the Met
Can we just say how jealous we were of the date night that Kaitlyn and Jared, the restaurant manager from Rhode Island, got to enjoy at the Metropolitan Museum of Art?
Talk about a dream date. Jared all handsome in his black tux, Kaitlyn in a red-carpet black gown and Neil Lane jewels. They had the entire museum to themselves – to themselves! Jealous. So jealous.
Yet Kaitlyn admits that even during this most romantic moment that she can’t stop thinking about the decision she has to make about Nick.
She makes up for it by giving Jared a rose and they both get whisked away to take a nighttime helicopter ride over New York. As they buzz the Statue of Liberty Jared gushes that decades from now he could look back and say, “that’s the night I fell in love with Kaitlyn.”
Good luck with that, bud.
A night at the theater
With the specter of Nick hanging over their heads, Ian, Chris, Joe, Joshua and Ben H. get to go on the second group date with Kaitlyn.
She apparently loves musical theater as much as she likes to rap, so they head to the Amsterdam theater on Broadway, home of the hit show, “Aladdin.”
Scott Taylor, associate director of the musical, tells the guys that they have to audition to earn the right to appear on stage with Kaitlyn that night in front of 1,800 people.
Let’s just fast forward here and say that these bachelors can’t sing and they can’t dance – “I don’t even like the sound of my voice when I talk,” says Joshua the welder from Idaho. Chris Cupcake “wins” by default.
Joshua is so disappointed that he wants to throw or punch something, anything but go back to The Knickerbocker where “there’s nothing but anger and more loneliness and a whole bunch of dudes at the hotel. And eventually that one dude is going to show up.”
Right before the episode ends with a shot of “Hurricane Nick” pulling his luggage into the guys’ hotel room, Tanner sets up what we hope will be a very interesting show next week.
“I could go one of two ways when he walks in the door,” says Tanner. “It’s probably going to be dependent on how many drinks I’ve had.
“I’ll either probably just ignore him completely or I might be a little antagonistic.”
We vote for the latter, Tanner.