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‘The Bachelorette’: Sumo wrestling and sex education

A first for “The Bachelorette”: Bachelors in “man diapers.”
A first for “The Bachelorette”: Bachelors in “man diapers.” ABC

Fans of “The Bachelorette” will get to see Kaitlyn Bristowe go on two group dates in tonight’s episode – and teach them a thing or two about sex education.

Follow our live blog to see how she schools the guys.

7 p.m.

Woa! Someone is having trouble saying good-bye. Kupah has a nasty meltdown before he leaves the mansion and Kaitlyn has to calm him down before he gets driven away.

The rest of the show is going to be so-oooo boring after this. Or maybe not.

7:10 p.m.

Yay Tanner! KC continues to represent as Tanner Tolbert accepts a rose. Tony the healer dude from St. Louis with the heart of a warrior and a gypsy soul is inexplicably spared from elimination, too. (He’s just good for TV, right, ABC?)

She sends Daniel the fashion designer and Cory the dad home, presumably to be with his daughter.

7:17 p.m.

Just the way I want to wake up every morning – to the sound of a sumo wrestler banging on a gong. Do they make an app for that?

7:20: p.m.

Now there’s a “Bachelor” I would watch, one starring the heaviest Japanese human being ever like this sumo wrestler.

7:21 p.m.

The guys on the group date have to dress up in a traditional uniform of sumo wrestlers, which Joe thinks looks like a giant fireman’s water hose all rolled up. Too bad they didn’t show the guys trying to put them on.

Ah, come on ABC, no fair blurring the view from behind as the guys take off their robes to reveal themselves in their “little thong man-diapers,” as Kaitlyn describes them.

J.J.’s assessment upon seeing his fellow competitors in their man-diapers: “Everyone has a real good ass except for one person. I think Tony partied his ass off last night because it’s non-existent.”

On second thought, ABC, thanks for blurring out the view as the guys try out traditional sumo moves, stretching and doing deep-knee bends in their “man-diapers.”

“Everything’s hanging out. I’m seeing junk everywhere,” jokes Kaitlyn.

Joe in particular has problems keeping his privates tucked out of sight.

Lawd, save us.

7:29 p.m.

Oh yeah, it’s all fun and games until the guys have to wrestle one of the sumo champions. Jonathan can feel the ground move when the wrestlers smack into each other. “It felt like this power of man-meat just running into each other,” he says.

And now crazy-bleep Tony is going to go head-to-head with the wrestlers. This ought to be interesting.

7:30 p.m.

Tony makes a decent showing in the ring, but he’s bothered by having to show aggression and walks off as Kaitlyn follows to check on him.

“I view the world through the eyes of a child. I have the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy, and I want you to see all those many sides of me. But can we not just do something fun? How come it always has to be around aggression?” he challenges her.

Kaitlyn gets defensive saying she thought sumo wrestling would just be fun to laugh about.

J.J. tries to interrupt their uncomfortable conversation and Jonathan grabs Kaitlyn away from the situation. Turns out the aggression of a fun group date involving sumo wrestling is messing with all the work that Tony has done perfecting his peaceful spirit.

Uh, has he never seen “The Bachelorette” before? Get a grip, man, or there will be no more roses for you. Maybe you’d better head back to those bonsai plants.

7:40 p.m.

Tony skips the sumo exhibition and packs up his bags, unloading one of the most eloquent farewells we’ve ever heard on this show: “I am here for love, and I know that she is, too. But love can only be real when it’s shared. I’ve done everything that I could possibly do, more than any one of these other guys. And I won’t do it anymore. I don’t want to be a part of this. I’m not a quitter. I’m walking away on my own terms.”

7:47 p.m.

Face-to-face with Kaitlyn, Tony tells her that he just can’t participate “in this circus anymore” but if you’re “truly interested in what’s in my heart, I’m easily found.”

He skips the handshakes with the other dudes and makes a beeline for the getaway car.

Why do we like this guy so much more, now? A circus. Yeah.

7:50 p.m.

Now that that’s over, Chris “Cupcake” takes Kaitlyn off for some alone time at the end of the first group date night. They go digging for gum in each other’s mouths. But Sean gets the group-date rose and Kaitlyn scolds Clint for ignoring her.

Clint admits that he’s realizing that Kaitlyn isn’t the girl for him, but J.J.? He’s a sweetheart. He’s a good dude, Clint says.

7:55 p.m.

Ben Z. scores a one-on-one date, planned by host Chris Harrison. Kaitlyn is excited. She calls him a “babe soda ... He’s just such a big, handsome man. He’s a good one.”

They pull up in the limo to a warehouse and find Harrison waiting for them. He tells them they’re locked in and now have to solve a bunch of clues to find the code to escape.

Kaitlyn opens a door and freaks out when a pigeon flies out. We’d lose our lunch, too. Yucky pigeons.

Turns out that Kaitlyn has a deathly fear of birds. She’d rather be in a pit of snakes. She hates the mere sound of birds. Girl must have seen that Hitchcock movie.

But Ben scores gentlemen points by taking her by the hand and leading her into the dark, where blood drips down the walls and fake body parts hang from the ceiling. Turns out they have to walk through a haunted house experience filled with creepy clues and scorpions in drawers – and snakes!

Macho Ben is deathly afraid of snakes. But he pulls it together enough to reach into a toilet bowl full of dirty something to grab a black light they need to see the clues they need to get out.

Ben scores big MVP points on this date by getting her out safely and scores even bigger ones later by letting down his macho guard and telling Kaitlyn that he can’t show emotions easily because he had to hold it together for his dad and his brother the day his mom died. His only regret in his life was not crying that day and he hasn’t cried in 11 years.

So. Sad.

We need some comic relief. Stat. (But not before Kaitlyn gives Ben Z. a rose. Awwwww.)

8:25 p.m.

Let’s see what Tanner from Kansas City knows about sex. The second group date visits a grade school to teach some kids about puberty and contraception and icky stuff like that.

“I got tampens,” says Joshua the welder when he inspects his props.

We think he means tampons.

Meanwhile, speaking of sex ...

Bachelors Clint and J.J. are back at the mansion working on their “bromance,” as Justin calls it. He calls the guys “two peas in a pod ... it’s like they’ve got a little pep in their step when their together. There’s some deep love going on between Clint and J.J.

But gay relationships aren’t on today’s lesson plan, as Ryan B. holds up a plastic model of the female anatomy and mistakenly points out the vagina twice, which one kid calls him out on. “Well, it’s an important part, so I just want to make sure that the guys know where it is,” Ryan jokes.

The kids are grossed out when he points out the anus and butt. Everyone, that is, except the one boy who asks about the clitoris. (We think that’s what he asked about. ABC bleeped out the word.) Ryan tells him that’s the body part that gets stimulated on the female anatomy and makes her want “to have sex with you again.” That can be very confusing for a lot of guys, the teacher whines. Yeah it can be, Ryan agrees.

A little girl asks Jonathan about the four bases and quickly gets peppered with uncomfortable questions.

How many positions are there for sex?

What is a wet dream?

What’s a condom?

Busted! Kaitlyn reveals that these are kiddie actors asking the questions and gagging when Joshua tries to explain a woman’s period. Joshua turns beet red, he’s so embarrassed.

Now the smooth-talking, calm, gentle Ben H. gets up to talk about reproduction. He starts with a story of “your mommy and daddy” falling in love, and how after love comes sex. He explains the long journey of the sperm to the woman’s eggs ... and makes every little girl and adult woman watching fall in love with him.

8:40 p.m.

Later that night, Joshua tells Kaitlyn that he didn’t kiss a girl until college and she makes it clear that she likes a guy who moves a little faster.

She and gentle Ben, on the other hand, in a romantic one-on-one in the moonlight on top of a building, kiss and dance in the silence as he dips her. Now that’s more her speed.

“I can see a lot of good things in Ben,” she says.

Meanwhile, J.J. and Clint remain the buzz of the house, unintentionally – or probably intentionally – feeding the gay rumors by isolating themselves and spending time together in places like the hot tub.

“I think they’re just all about each other, not Kaitlyn,” says Joe.

All about each other? Sitting side by side on a sofa as Clint says he’s connected more with J.J. than Kaitlyn?

Maybe.

“It’s actually absolutely insane,” says Clint. “We’ve grown very close, almost too close, I think, at times, in the room ... and in the shower. The possibility of coming onto the Bachelorette and falling in love with a man never crossed my mind. But, I believe in process, and at this point, I’m a success story.”

8:45 p.m.

At this point, is there anyone that Kaitlyn doesn’t enjoy kissing? ABC must have really loaded up this season with good kissers. She’s making out with Jared in the hotel room, but they don’t stay there because there’s a rose to be handed out.

And the rose goes to ... big Ben, as Jared shoots daggers at both of them.

8:52 p.m.

Kaitlyn is sticking with her story that she feels like her husband is in this bunch of guys. But before she hands out a rose she wants to explore the “friction” in the house.

Here it comes.

Clint takes Kaitlyn off to the side very quickly and apologizes for being stand-offish and shutting down around her after their one-on-one date. But he’s admittedly not interested in Kaitlyn and is just after that rose, as he’s shown flirting again with J.J.

One by one the bachelors “warn” Kaitlyn about Clint and J.J., the “villains” in the house. And Kaitlyn is ticked off.

Ooh, the melodrama!

“This is not someone that I want to marry,” she declares about Clint.

Did she just call him a douche?

Guess we’ll find out next week.

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