Stargazing

Tuesday on ‘The Bachelorette’: Team Britt taps out and Tanner gets a rose from Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn is having the best day of her life, guys.
Kaitlyn is having the best day of her life, guys. ABC

7:04 p.m.

Britt is getting kicked off already. She will not be the next Bachelorette.

“I didn’t see that coming at all,” she says from the limo. And the tears come. And they keep coming.

“I’m just confused and tired,” she says.

Man, she cries a lot.

Kaitlyn finds out she won the vote. “I feel like I’m going to throw up,” she says, but she has that pageant winner glint in her eye.

I’d also like to point out that she already wears a giant ring, the New Jersey kind that covers an entire finger. That’s going to be intimidating later.

Kaitlyn takes a moment before storming the castle as the winning princess.

“Hands down, best moment of my life,” she says, and then you have to feel sorry for her.

7:22 p.m.

The men have received the news. They seem shocked. Spray-tanned and shocked.

Tony is a healer from St. Louis, and he’s a Britt fan who’s disillusioned. He has a metaphor about it, too.

“There’s only one drinking fountain and we’ve all got to stay in the same line. I’m just going to go home and dig my own well,” he says. I don’t think that well’s going to be a deep one.

So now the guys are all telling Kaitlyn they didn’t vote for her, but they might still want to marry her soon. Now that Britt’s gone and all.

7:38 p.m.

Kaitlyn arrives in the rose room, or whatever. These guys all have equal amounts of stubble and sheepish expressions.

7:40 p.m.

Jade calls his rose “a possibility toward a stepmom” for his daughter. I bet he’s upset he can’t just order one from Amazon.

God this show is repetitive. Do you accept this rose? This is nerve wracking. Do you accept this rose? I am going to be heartbroken if she chooses someone who voted for Britt. Do you accept this rose? Hey, that guy voted for Britt! Not cool! Do you accept this rose?

7:43 p.m.

Jade has defied convention at the rose ceremony! Cliffhanger to commercial!

My bad, that was Brady. They had similar jawlines. Anyway, he’s tapping out because he was Team Britt.

7:51 p.m.

We’re back to the repetition. Do you accept this rose? I’m sweating bullets here. Do you accept this rose? It’s starting to get really real.

7:51 p.m.

Tanner, our last KC contestant after last night’s triumph/fiasco involving Ryan M., got a rose and didn’t even embarrass himself with a cheesy voiceover. Good job.

7:53 p.m.

The herd has been thinned.

“Let’s toast to Kaitlyn!” a tall stubbled guy declares, and then we see a highlight reel Kaitlyn frolicking in some ancient ruins and learning hockey. Get it, girl.

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