Stargazing

‘The Bachelor’ recap: Mama bears, papa bears, nude pictures and lots of tears, including ours

“Bachelor” Chris Soules visited Jade in her Nebraska hometown on Monday night’s episode.
“Bachelor” Chris Soules visited Jade in her Nebraska hometown on Monday night’s episode. ABC

Within minutes of the start of Monday night’s episode of “The Bachelor,” brunette beauty Britt dissolved into crocodile tears.

So following that theme – and be warned that there are spoilers ahead – here is what made us cry about the hometown-visits episode:

▪ That women are catty. Stop the presses, right? Britt told the other women that she was going to pack her stuff and leave before the episode’s first rose ceremony if she couldn’t get some kind of committment from bachelor Chris Soules before the hometown visits. Smelling the ploy afoot the others – namely Carly the cruise ship singer – made it clear to her face that they didn’t believe her, making her cry.

▪ That women are catty. Wait, didn’t we just say that? Britt stopped the rose ceremony by taking Chris off to the side for a private conversation. Upshot: She apologized for her bad behavior in Iowa. But Chris told her he’d already been warned by the others that she lies. Bye-bye, Britt. Carly is ecstatic. “I don’t feel bad for Britt,” she sneered as preamble to a very mean send-off. “It’s fun to watch her squirm. I’ve squirmed so much. Now the girl who’s the prettiest girl in the room who’s gotten what she wants now knows what it’s like to be a normal person. How does it feel?”

▪ That Carly came up rose-less at the ceremony actually brought no tears to our eyes, even when she whined in the limo about not being able to find a man to love. “What’s wrong with me?” she bawled. Maybe if she’d retract those claws ...

▪ That 26-year-old virgin Becca’s older sister, Katie, on the hometown visit to Shreveport, La., threw her sister under the bus by telling Chris that Becca is not a touchy-feely person. “I guess she doesn’t feel the urge or want to,” she told him. With sisters like that who needs catty girlfriends?

▪ That Becca’s mom, Nancy, played the mama-bear card. “You can mess with me, don’t mess with my kids,” she warned Chris. “She’s very special to us and we’re very protective ... don’t break my daughter’s heart.” Awwwwww.

▪ That Chris and Whitney had so much fun in the Chicago fertility lab where Whitney works. We’re not sure how families struggling with infertility felt as they watched Whitney joke-asking Chris “what do you say we go make a baby?” and showed him the “man room” stocked with Playboy magazines. “I’m pretty confident my soldiers are marching,” Chris said when he thought Whitney might want to study his sperm under a microscope. Yuck.

▪ That mother-less Whitney’s sister, Kimberly, refused to give Chris her blessing for this exercise in fake love because, as she so wisely pointed out, “I just met you and there are still four girls that you could potenially (choose). I guess I want whoever picks my little sister to know she’s the one. I want that for her. So call me when you have that for her.” Tears of joy.

▪ That Whitney cracked open a bottle of expensive wine that she bought in Napa Valley, the one she was saving to share someday with the man she would marry. What a waste of good wine.

▪ That Kaitlyn took Chris into a recording studio in Phoenix on her adopted-hometown visit and made him rap. Bad, bad, bad idea. We’re not saying farmers can’t rap. We’re just saying this one can’t. “I just suck at this,” Chris said. We laughed so hard we cried.

▪ That Chris referred to Kaitlyn’s family – her mom and dad are divorced yet apparently remain friendly – as “unconventional.” That was so 1955 of him.

▪ That goofy little Kaitlyn showed Chris how much she “hearts” him with a huge billboard that proclaimed “Kaitlyn (Big Red Heart) Chris.” What a waste of a good billboard.

▪ That Jade, the one who posed for Playboy, so obviously couldn’t relax during her hometown visit to Gering, Neb., because she hadn’t yet told Chris about her nude pics. “I feel like I have a dark cloud hanging over me today,” she said. “My secret has ruined past relationships for me. It would be devastating if it ruined mine and Chris’.”

▪ That Jade’s father, Zach, looked heartsick when Chris confided how hard it is to find a woman who shares his small-town values. Dad’s sad confession to Chris: “The part I struggle with is that a lot of her boyfriends, she’s too much for them. I want Jade to be happy. I want her to live free but loved.” Sniff, sniff. We love Jade’s dad.

▪ That Jade’s father told her that she needs someone who can tune in to who she is and that he wants a man for her “who doesn’t put you down for being you.” Then, he cried. Oh lawd. We love Jade’s dad.

▪ That Chris seemed cool when Jade finally cracked open her laptop and showed him her nude Playboy pics and the accompanying video appropriately blurred out for prime-time viewing. After the initial awkwardness Chris reassured her that “I judge you for the person you are. It’s not like anything would ever make me think any differently of you. Don’t feel bad about that.” What a prince.

▪ That Chris’ words didn’t match his actions. He cut Jade loose at the rose ceremony faster than you can say, “Hugh Hefner, line one.” Finalists Whitney, Kaitlyn and Becca the virgin are heading to Bali.

“There is no way for me not to second-guess myself from this day forward,” said Chris, who spilled tears as he watched the loser’s limo carry Jade away into the Iowa night.

And that almost made us cry.

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