Renegotiating the roles of husband, wife, dad or mom
By LISA GUTIERREZ
The Kansas City Star
FORT LEAVENWORTH | The baby starts to cry, and Chris Rodriguez goes to check on his son.
Moments later Chris calls out to his wife from the bedroom: “We have a situation.”
He’s been back from Afghanistan since March, and only now, nine months later, Capt. Rodriguez is finding normal again — pulling poopy diaper duty.
He came home safe and healthy, for the most part. The stress-induced hair loss has stopped, as have the premature graying and the dreams.
“They scared her a few times,” Chris, 37, says of the nightmares that frightened his wife of 12 years, Kathleen Devine, who is a former Army officer herself.
As Kathleen describes it, he’s stopped driving like a maniac, too. As a family, they’re still reintegrating, “even now,” she says.
“His unit just left three weeks ago. His mind actually was kind of still with them, as if he was going,” she said. “It’s only been in the last couple of weeks where he’s realized, ‘Oh my God, I’m not going.’ ”
Coming home from war is like that — slow and tricky behind closed doors after the public homecoming celebrations. Soldiers don’t just pick up where they left off. The business of getting back to family life harbors minefields all its own.
Dad’s home from war, and he’s jumpy.
Mom’s barking commands like she did at her troops.
Kathleen remembers coming home from Bosnia in 1996 after her first deployment. She and Chris had been married just a handful of months.
“That first Saturday home typifies the tip of the iceberg as far as reintegration and change,” recalls Kathleen, 48. “The first Saturday we started cleaning the house as we’d always done before. I did the bathroom, I did the kitchen, and then he did the upstairs.
“And I went to start cleaning something and he looked at me and said, “I don’t do it like that.’ And I just looked at him.
“Only after his multiple deployments did I realize that that was really the beginning of ‘It’s never the same.’ ”
•••
When Army cook George McElroy and his wife, Julie, take their daughters out to eat, everyone knows where he’ll sit. The “dad spot” is where George can see the door.
Even after more than 23 years of service and four deployments to Bosnia and Iraq, switching back into his “safe mode” hasn’t gotten any easier for George.
Stop reaching for your weapon. Stop eyeing strangers like they’re trying to kill you. Stop watching your back.
“You’re no longer in danger, but it’s hard to get out of that mood,” George says. “I don’t have to worry about someone shooting at me or stepping on a bomb. Over there, that’s constant, always, no matter what you do, where you go.”
As a soldier’s wife, Julie has learned to let George settle back into the groove of home at his own speed.
Don’t ask too many questions about what went on over there; he won’t tell.
“It bothers me to not be able to talk about it with him, the stuff that he’s been through,” Julie says. “But I understand … and you just don’t push that issue.”
George changes with each trip overseas, and Julie says that’s the hardest part.
“Nobody’s ever the same when they come back,” she says. “Every time he’s come back I’ve been excited and ready for him to come home. But I’ve been scared, too, because I’m scared of the unknown and how we’re going to come back together as a family.”
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To reach Lisa Gutierrez, call 816-234-4987 or send e-mail to lgutierrez@kcstar.com.
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