Don't Kill the Mellinger

Columnist Sam Mellinger's thoughts on sports and other important stuff

The Chiefs released their schedule, so DKTM released their results

04/24/2014 9:47 AM

04/24/2014 12:14 PM

I mentioned this the other day, but I’m old enough to remember a time when the NFL would not announce when it would announce its schedule, because that would’ve been ridiculous.

I’m also old enough to remember a time when the NFL announcing the schedule it would play after a summer that hasn’t even started yet would not have been the biggest news of the day because major league baseball is actually playing real games that count and also because THE NFL SEASON IS STILL MORE THAN FOUR MONTHS AWAY YOU ANIMALS!!!

One other thing about the schedule: we have no idea what it means, and

insta-reactions about how tough a schedule is

mean exactly as much as the sum of diddly and squat.

You may be moaning about that run of four of five road games early in the season^, but the Dolphins may stink and the Chargers aren’t world-beaters and that game will come after the Chiefs’ bye. You may think back-to-back home games against the Rams and Jets are a good time for the Chiefs to catch their feet, but really, you have no idea. The Rams may be good this year. The Jets too. Well, at least the Rams.

^

If you think that’s bad, the Chiefs schedule was almost worse .

Peyton Manning may be hurt by the time the Broncos come to Kansas City for a Sunday night game in late November. The Cardinals may take another jump after 10 wins last year.

The point is, analysis about NFL schedules in April is silly, even by sports standards, so with all that said let’s spend this fine April day analyzing the Chiefs schedule!

Here, then, are the final results of the season, more than eight months before its completed. I’m quite certain we’ll do this again at least two more times because sports!

Week 1 vs. Titans: The Chiefs won at Tennessee last year, and a season opener at Arrowhead is a significant tilt toward the Chiefs no matter the circumstances. On the other hand, I can’t imagine the civic panic if the Chiefs lose this game. Win, 1-0.

Week 2 at Broncos: Let’s just move on. Loss, 1-1.

Week 3 at Dolphins: Miami went 8-8 last year, but may have found something with Ryan Tannehill. You never know how these things will turn out — there was a time that Josh Freeman was the next star — and it’s worth mentioning that Tannehill’s 24-17 TD-Int ratio is less than ideal, but at the moment, those of us who thought he was a bust waiting to happen are still waiting. This is one of those games where if you think the Chiefs will make the playoffs, you better pick them to win this game. Loss, 1-2.

Week 4 vs. Patriots: I probably give the Chiefs more of a chance here than a lot of people, partly because I think the Patriots are less than unbeatable (4-4 on the road last year) and partly because this will be a Monday night at Arrowhead. You know what? What the hell. Win, 2-2.

Week 5 at 49ers: I wonder what we’ll be writing about the week before this game. Loss, 2-3.

Week 6 bye: I’ll be defending my championship in the neighborhood barbecue contest. Win, 2-0.

Week 7 at Chargers: The Chiefs have a lot of problems with the Chargers, especially in San Diego, enough that smart people will probably tell you the Chargers will win this game. But, I’m not one of them (wait a second), and coming off the bye week, I think the Chiefs can get one here. Win, 3-3.

Week 8 vs. Rams: Whatever. Win, 4-3.

Week 9 vs. Jets: There is going to be at least a game or two the Chiefs win that right now you’re sure they’ll lose, and at least a game or two they’ll lose that right now you’re sure they’ll win. I already cashed in my credibility with the Patriots pick, so this will be the unexpected loss. 4-4.

Week 10 at Bills: If you watch this game again — and I’m enough of a nerd that I have — you see this as a sneaky coulda-lost-it sort of moment in the Chiefs season. This was the game where backup Jeff Tuel, perhaps momentarily blind, looked past an open receiver and threw directly to Chiefs cornerback Sean Smith, who said he felt like the president being escorted down the field for a 100-yard touchdown return. The Chiefs got a LOT of breaks last year. Loss, 4-5.

Week 11 vs. Seahawks: Russell Wilson recently filed for divorce, apparently. Also, the difference between these two secondaries will be astounding to see on the same field. One is the best in football, the other is the Chiefs. Loss, 4-6.

Week 12 at Raiders: It’s 50-50 whether sewage will spill out onto the field. Win, 5-6.

Week 13 vs. Broncos: If you’re picking the Chiefs to win this game, you’re adorable. Loss, 5-7.

Week 14: at Cardinals: These teams are actually in very similar stages, so there will be a lot to go through when this game gets closer. Larry Fitzgerald may have himself a day. This is a swing game, one I’d pick for the Chiefs if it was at home. Loss, 5-8.

Week 15 vs. Raiders: It’s 50-50 whether there will be a reported fistfight between Raiders coaches and/or players by this point in the season. Win, 6-8.

Week 16 at Steelers: Hard to come up with a reason the Chiefs will win this. Loss, 6-9.

Week 17 vs. Chargers: I know the Chiefs have been rotten against the Chargers in recent years, so it’s probably crazy to pick them to win both of these games. There’s also the possibility that one of these teams will be playing for something, and the other not, so even on the scale of what we’re doing here with this blog post today, trying to say anything meaningful about this matchup is dumb. Win, 7-9.

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