Time for a Royals lineup shakeup

BOSTON | Some smart people have run all sorts of calculations and figured out that baseball lineups really don’t matter much. Every baseball fan knows how a lineup is supposed to look: You want a leadoff hitter who gets on base and can run a little bit, a second hitter who can handle the bat, a third hitter who hits for average and power, a cleanup hitter who can crush a baseball a long way, and so on. It makes sense.

Thing is, these smart people have run the numbers, they have run simulations, they have experimented with countless combinations, and they have found that a lineup will score about the same number of runs no matter how you line up the players.

With that in mind, I would like to offer the Royals my lineup. Hey, you know that sometimes when a team isn’t scoring runs, the manager will pick his lineup out of a hat just to shake things up. Well, my lineup is more sensible and better thought out than most hats. And the Royals definitely need a shakeup. They lost to Boston again Wednesday night — the score was 6-3 this time — and they have now scored just four runs in this three-game series. They were no-hit on Monday by Jon Lester, shut down by a kid called up from Class AA on Tuesday and shut down on Wednesday by the 3-D version of former Cy Young winner Bartolo Colon, who was making his first start of the year.

“Anything you can take away from this game?” Royals manager Trey Hillman was asked.

“Line up again tomorrow,” he answered somewhat tersely.

Well, here you go. I can promise, it won’t get worse.

Leading off: Mark Teahen, 1B.

I cannot remember a player the Royals have jerked around more than Mark Teahen. He came up as a third baseman. But that was Alex Gordon’s spot, so they moved him to right field. Teahen was pretty good in right field, but then they signed José Guillen, so they moved him to left field. He really had trouble in left field, so they moved him back to right field. Wednesday, manager Trey Hillman wanted to give the team a new look, so he moved Teahen to first base.

All the while, the Royals keep trying to make Teahen into a power hitter, when that is not his game. These days, when Teahen’s at the plate, you get the sense there are about 358 different thoughts bubbling in his head, and as George Brett often says, if you want to be a successful hitter you need to have exactly one thought going at the plate.

I’m a big Teahen fan. He’s a terrific base runner, a good athlete, he has a natural ability to hit the ball the other way, he’s willing — maybe even too willing — to do whatever the team needs. I would love to see the Royals put him at first base, put him in the leadoff spot and say, “OK Mark, don’t worry about home runs. Don’t worry about changing positions. Don’t worry about anything. Just get on base and be yourself.” Maybe it wouldn’t work, but I would sure love to see the Royals try.

Batting second: Mark Grudzielanek, 2B.

This is probably his last year with the Royals, but Grud is still a pro’s pro, and he’s still awfully good at punching the ball to right field.

Batting third: Alex Gordon, 3B.

Gordon just looks so much more comfortable this year. He’s still flipping his hand up late and catching pop-ups side-saddle — he absolutely needs to stop doing that — but other than that he’s played a solid third base, and he leads the team in on-base percentage. He’s not a practical American League No. 3 hitter at the moment, but he’s getting there and he might as well get used to the spot.

Batting fourth: José Guillen, RF.

When Guillen’s hot, he can carry the team. When he’s cold, he will frustrate you to tears. And he seems like one of those players who will never be in between hot and cold. On a good team he hits sixth in the lineup, but right now he’s the Royals’ only viable cleanup hitter.

Batting fifth: David DeJesus, LF.

I really would like to see this happen. I think DeJesus is miscast as a leadoff hitter. He’s not fast. He’s not especially patient, but he has gotten stronger — and I think if dropped in the lineup he could be a run producer. It’s just a hunch. But hey, when you’re scoring fewer than four runs a game, you can play a few hunches.

Batting sixth: Billy Butler, DH.

In time, Billy will move up to the No. 5 spot, maybe the No. 4 spot. But it will take time. Right now, he looks like a 22-year-old kid who blew through the minor leagues and is getting schooled in the big leagues. Pitchers have adjusted to him. They’re pounding him with inside fastballs, and he has not quite adjusted. He will. In the meantime, leave him in the sixth spot and let him figure things out.

Batting seventh: John Buck or Miguel Olivo, C.

Buck is hitting .500 this year with runners in scoring position, and Olivo is tied for the team lead with five home runs.

Batting eighth: Shortstop.

Tony Peña Jr. is a wonderful young guy. He’s a good fielder. He’s hitting .162. There aren’t many absolute truths in this game, but one of those might be: You cannot play a guy, no matter how wonderful, no matter how good defensively, who is hitting .162.

Now, it’s true, the Royals don’t have many options. They don’t have any good choices in the minor leagues. They have Alberto Callaspo, who shows signs of being a good hitter, and Esteban German, who has in the past shown signs of being a good hitter, but neither one is really a shortstop. It’s a dilemma.

But one this is clear — and Hillman has said this plainly — the Royals cannot play a shortstop hitting .162. Something has to give here.

Batting ninth: Joey Gathright, CF.

It is always a little bit jarring when Gathright plays because he is so fast — and this team is Merchant & Ivory slow. Wednesday, he reached base four times, stole a base, took another base on defensive indifference. The Royals lineup is so bland, and Gathright offers a different look and a unique threat. He should be out there every day.

And that’s it.

I’m guaranteeing that if Trey Hillman puts this lineup out there, the Royals will score a whole bunch of runs. Or, at least, they will score more runs than they have scored in any game this series. Or, at the very least, they won’t get no-hit.