Posted on Fri, Dec. 14, 2007

L et’s say you received a huge Christmas bonus and want to buy presents for your favorite sports stars. Here’s the list:

Baseball

•Commissioner Bud Selig: He should get a DVD box set of the ’80s sitcom “Gimme a Break.” Because he sure needs one.

•Nationals outfielder Lastings Milledge: Nothing. Apparently, he already got a hearing aid, because he hasn’t released any new rap songs.

NFL

•Saints running back Reggie Bush: He needs a new home with a huge front lawn. Bush seemed to have a really tough time gaining a yard this season.

•Patriots coach Bill Belichick: He’s could use a new suit because he dresses as if he lives in a bus station. Also, he could hide a spy camera in his lapel pin.

•Former Falcons quarterback Michael Vick: The best thing to get Vick is a Monopoly set — for the get-out-of-jail-free card.

MLS

•Galaxy midfielder David Beckham: A gift certificate to a toy store. He’s rapidly becoming more of a Hollywood star than a futbol star. He can use the gift certificate to get some game. By the way, Snoop Dogg has a new reality show, and guess who’s going to be on it teaching Snoop’s kids to play soccer? If you watch, you’re encouraging this behavior.

NBA

•Rockets center Yao Ming and Bucks forward Yi Jianlian: Home gym equipment. When the Rockets beat the Bucks 104-88 in November it was estimated that more people watched that game than watched the Super Bowl and that between 100 million and 200 million of those viewers were in China. Yao and Yi will need broad shoulders and strong backs, Atlas couldn’t carry that much weight.

•Knicks guard Stephon Marbury and Bulls center Ben Wallace: Odor Eaters. They have done a great thing by playing in Starbury brand shoes, which cost less than $15. So, kids don’t have to ask their parents for $150 to buy a pair of basketball shoes to be like Steph and Ben. The problem is they’ve been stinking up every court they’ve played on lately.

NHL

•Commissioner Gary Bettman: “Slap Shot” on DVD. Maybe it’ll inspire him to write the screenplay for the remake. By casting Will Ferrell as Reg Dunlop, Bettman could raise the NHL’s popularity past that of mixed vegetables in a high school cafeteria.

College football

•Florida QB Tim Tebow: Tebow, the first sophomore to win the Heisman, needs blinders. He has a bright future, but the distractions he’ll have to face will be as numerous as the bald spots at an Earth, Wind and Fire concert.

•Chuck Norris: Whatever he wants. Norris sent Tebow a letter of congratulations for winning the Heisman. I wonder whether Tebow knows that when Norris was a young man who didn’t know his strength, he punched a man in the nose, accidentally sending him into orbit. When the man crashed back to earth he hit Norris in the back. It was the only time Norris ever involuntarily left his feet.

To reach Greg Moore send e-mail to gmoore @kcstar.com